Coming Out In a small town
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Posted:Jul 15, 2010 2:10 pm
Last Updated:May 11, 2024 6:50 am
5151 Views
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I'm 48 years old, and have known of my bi-sexual orientation since the very early years of my childhood. I have always known that I liked both sexes. Hell, I've always known that I liked sex, period. However, I have also always known that my likes and dislikes did not coincide with the conservative attitudes of either my home, community, or my family.
Most of my life I did what many do: I kept myself and my fetishes closeted from the purview of my family and community. This was not always easy for me to do. But somehow I managed it despite several close calls.
Yet, things are not always as they appear. Although I was certain that I had been successful in my being able to keep my secrets. I was to learn long after I had actually come out, that many people already had figured it out and had simply respected my choice to keep the secrets discreetly hidden.
One of the few people that actually knew of my double life was my ex-wife. WHo more than she knows is the reason that I finally came out about everything. We were both bi-sexual. However, she still thought the cross-dressing was wrong on my part. She perceived that I was actually wanting to be a woman. WHile nothing could be farther from the truth from my perspective. I know more wanted to be a woman in real life than I wanted to be any of the other characters that I took on during some of our role-playing games. BUt while I was playing that character, I did try to become that character.
One day we were having an argument about this when I responded to her that nothing I am doing is wrong. To which she replied, "Then why do you hide it?"
And that hit me like a ton of bricks. She was right, of course. If I believed that there was nothing wrong with what I was doing, then there was no reason for me to hide what I was doing. And if I was ashamed of what I was doing, then I must think that what I am doing is wrong - in which case I would then consider myself a hypocrite.
Self-reflection is a difficult thing for anyone to do, and I am no exception. Still, I considered myself a man of integrity, and one not prone to hypocrisy. So I sat down and had a discussion with myself. Saying "Self, if you are ashamed of who you are and what your doing, then you must believe that it is wrong, and therefore you must stop it. If, on the other hand, you do not find fault in either yourself or your conduct, then you must cease hiding it from the rest of the world-including your family and community."
Well, of course I stood up for myself. I stood fast that I am who I am, and I am doing nothing wrong. Therefore, the rest of the small town of GOldendale, WA was in for some kind of shock. ANd so was I.
Yes, I did face a lot of bias, hate and discontent from a small segment of our town. THis segment even included some family members. Others smiled at me on the first of many occassions when I got "dressed up" to walk the streets in the vestiture of a woman and gave comments like "I wondered if you were ever going to come up with the balls to do it". Surprisingy, the large majority of these comments came from women. The majority of the male comments were not as supportive; yet, they were not nearly as hateful or disdainful as I expected either. THere were still the requisite number of haters, both male and female. But nothing larger than the problems that each of us have to deal with in our otherwise ordinary lives.
Now, when I am getting ready to go out on a date, or to meet someone from the adultfriendfinders community, I don't have to hide my face, or to get dressed-up only after I have left out of town. ANd when I pass them now, they may call me Mark or Michelle with equal ease, regardless of how I'm dressed.
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