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Gonna rant, gonna shout, gonna scream out loud until someone who really cares notices. I'll probably only be posting my poetry and random esoteric ideas that run through my head. If you're ignorant, or moronic, don't bother commenting, in fact, don't bother looking. I have very little time and no patience for those who feel the need to insult others to make their pathetic lives look better.  Just so we're clear! |
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World's on Fire!
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Posted:Aug 13, 2009 4:09 pm
Last Updated:Sep 1, 2009 6:05 am
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I know I seem like I jump from guy to guy to guy... but that's really not the case. I talk to lots of men but when it comes to who I choose to take to bed.... I'm extremely picky. With that being said. This is a blog entry from a BBW oriented website refering to another website. I need some feedback... either way!
You spend your whole life looking for something and you never notice it when it's finally standing right in front of you. I've been pushing for so long, Saying I'd never let anyone in, never open my heart and love. It's easier to be a cold disconnected person, it's easier to think about sex from a man's perspective. It's easier to shoot my mouth off and not worry about the consequences.
I joined this normal (for regular, non-fattie type people) dating website called plenty of tuna (not the actual name, but had to alter it so they'd let me post). I met someone who was horrible and figured okay... that's how it's going to be. Then I recently was contacted by someone, that's THEY contacted me, not me contacting them. He is seemingly intelligent, relatively handsome, funny, and (sigh) Jewish. For the longest time I swore I would never date, let alone marry a Jewish man. But I went on a date with this guy yesterday and it was like my life began again. I was smiling and laughing and not selfconcious in the least.
We connected on this level that made more sense than anything I've ever seen or ever felt... talking to him was easy, answering is questions and asking questions was easy. He writes me love poetry and it scares me. Is there something wrong? I don't want to accept this gift in my life. Maybe I need take it one step at a time, one day at a time. I don't know where to go...
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BOOBIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Posted:Aug 7, 2009 3:04 pm
Last Updated:Aug 13, 2009 12:03 pm
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So, I'm going to this party tomorrow night, with a guy I don't know. He's driving me there and we're sharing a room for the night. Odds are very good I'll probably get drunk enough to have sex with him. In fact, I think I'm drunk right now. I've been drinking all day.
I've been on this self-distructive bender for the last few weeks. Doing and saying things to ruin my own chances at success and happiness. I didn't know why I was behaving this way and then I looked at the calender. It's been 10 years to the day since my mother passed away. So I guess that's why I've been feeling so destructive and bent on being wreckless! Well here's to danger and mystery!
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For your consideration....
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Posted:Aug 4, 2009 6:34 am
Last Updated:May 9, 2024 10:29 am
4330 Views
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I've been running in circles lately, and well I'm torn between two men in my life. One that's younger and one that's older. One that makes me feel good and one that well he makes me feel good too, but there's something there that just doesn't sit well. I'm concerned that the young buck, will win. I don't know why going out with a younger man makes me feel like a bit of a pedophile. He's 20 years old, perfectly legal in everyway unless your talking about the consumption of alcohol.
The other problem is that the older guy, who is 44yrs old, is really really conservative. And he uses annoying phrases, hip slang from the mid-90's. And it would have been cute in the mid-90's but not so much anymore.
Am I being picky? I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
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What goes up must come down..... spinning wheels
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Posted:Jul 23, 2009 12:16 pm
Last Updated:Aug 13, 2009 12:14 pm
4402 Views
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So I feel like I'm in the same place I was 6 months ago. That fabulous thing with that fabulous guy went up and came down. It was like riding a roller coaster. I've been innundated by invitations and ignored all of them in favor of this guy then out of nowhere he decides to up and leave. Just literally pack his shit and leave. "I need my space, have to understand." What the hell man? Am I really that bad a person that men just cut and run?
Scratch that, I know I'm not. I know I'm a good person, but I can't lay all the blame on my partner's shoulders. Yes he was a dick and yes he was a douche bag, but no... he wasn't completely wrong. He came on hard and fast. Swept me off my feet and I was swept up in the emotion of it all. I told him I thought I loved him and he somehow heard that as an undying exclamation of my never-ending eternal bond. Honestly, I think I got caught up in the great sex. I didn't want to give that up. I was just ummm amazing is the only word for it. But no use crying over spilt milk, so to speak. I just feel like I was used. He walked away, then begged to get back in my life. THen fucked me and walked away again. What does that say about me? That I let him do that. I don't know, I think I need some kind of mental health evaluation.
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I can't believe it's not butter..... spray!
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Posted:May 25, 2009 3:35 pm
Last Updated:Aug 7, 2009 6:21 am
4440 Views
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I've been on and off Hookup.Date Naughty Affair Dating for the better part of a decade... yeah pretty much a decade because I've been on this site since I was about 17 years old. This was back when most of this site was free to explore and you didn't need to prove your age. Okay, so I just admitted to a felony, but hopefully no one is really paying attention my ramblings. Anyway, I always thought I'd end up alone, without anyone, that crazy lady with 70 cats and a house that smelled like a litter box.
I always assumed I'd never find someone to love me, to care for me, and take care of me like I was precious and the best thing to enter thier life. Not to jinx myself, but I might have found him, or rather he might have found me. I go to these BBW parties, and I highly reccommend them for any ladies that are like me, crazy, but shy and self-concious or worried that the world is a lonely place. Anyway, he found me at one of these parties and was a wallflower. He watched me, studied my moves apparently, until fate brought us together. They had moved the location of the party and I was lost downtown by Grand Central and kind of wandering and starting to sweat (literally, it was a muggy night). Anyway, he came up out of nowhere and started a conversation. I assumed he was crazy and when he started showering me with compliments, it simply confirmed his addiction to heavy narcotics, or a dependence upon some kind of chemical mood stabilizer. Perhaps he was an escapee from Belleavue. Who knows where he came from.
At any rate, I spoke with him, share a drink and get to know him and over the course of the last 3 weeks and some change, I've come to really care for him. So much so, that when I was leaving his place on Sunday (via cab) and he kissed me and told me he loved me, I replied without hesitation, "I love you too." Now, this is the point where I usually cut and run. The point where I freak out and over analyze the situation to death. I think the worst and think about what the guy is after, but something is different with this guy. I really want to like him. He holds me and touches me like I'm precious but not breakable. He touches me with the intent of touching me, not the intent of looking for something for himself. There's a different quality about him that I find scary, intimidating and somehow welcoming.
I'm not sure where this leaves me. I want to love him, I want to care for him, but there's this wall I've created, that I've fortified with each man that's come into my life. I've gotten to the point where I don't want love because it's more painful than anything else. It simply reminds me of all I don't have and all I'll never have. But this guy, he talks to me, like I'm the last woman in the world for him. I'm the end to his problems and I'm the answer to his prayers. I don't know whether it was fate, I don't know whether it was kismet, I don't know if it was my mother saying to me, "you have to grab onto whatever life sends your way." I want to believe that there was a reason why he came into my life when I needed support most. I want to believe there was devine intervention, but it's been so long since I've believed in anything.
All I'm going to say is... baby, if you're reading this, know I say all of this from my heart. You've caused my frozen heart to thaw. It scares the shit out of me, but I'm standing my ground for once and I'm not going anywhere. I'm here. And I'll be here.
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Amazing what a month will do!
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Posted:May 8, 2009 2:16 pm
Last Updated:May 9, 2024 10:29 am
4340 Views
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So, I had an eye-opening conversation with a guy that I know last night. And well.... stupid is as stupid does, and I feel like Forest Gump! Those of you that really know me know that when I get in a funk, yes I cry and I scream, but I also write a lot. Well.... I wrote the first half of this poem just after my second date with the afforementioned devil's spawn, I mean guy and I figured I'd share it with the world. The second half or part II I wrote today. And I figured I'd pair them up into one poem. It's called "fuck off and die," LOL... Just kidding... don't really have a name for it yet!
PS- The guy I'm writting about below is not the same guy as the one in the last post. He hasn't called me since he got what he wanted either, so he can fuck off and die! Teeehee!!! 
I- The Rise:
Impressions,
First impressions, and I知 left to wonder
What does this all mean?
You capture my attention,
My imagination runs wild and I知
Left with burning lips and
Aching other places,
Wishing I壇 let you go further,
Plunder the riches I have to offer.
But I know better
Hold off
Back off,
Verbally abate my own personality
Verbally limit my responses
Measuring and guessing,
Taking cues in subtle body language,
Well at least it was subtle until,
With a simple motion,
I had a hand full of something
I wanted more than,
Well, more than anything.
Impressions,
And I知 left to wonder,
Count this blessing
This miracle that has come to my life,
And yet I keep my happiness under wraps
because I won稚 count my chickens,
and Karma is a bitch,
so be careful what you give voice to.
Considering and calculating,
I count the days, waiting for that
Threshold of sanity,
When more means more and
Physically, I値l allow myself to let go.
Will it be a month? Three weeks?
I致e already done too much
Touched too much,
Bitten, licked, teased too much and
Yet it feels liberating.
Courtship without the sex,
Makes things easier,
Less complicated,
Somehow, I knew this would be the
Easiest difficult thing I致e ever done.
But denial has never been a strong suit of mine.
Impressions
New languages to be learned,
Shared and understood,
I focus on the words I know to get the meanings
Behind the phrases,
The hesitant breaths and
The moments of hesitance,
Punctuated by racing heart beats,
And rising blood pressure.
Waiting and watching,
I take this time to learn the motions,
The movements I know will come in handy,
Later, further along in this story.
The places,
The hollows that make you catch breath and
Say those little words, in a husky tone.
II- The Fall:
Impressions,
Second Impressions and I知 left with
Complicated matters and mistaken ideas.
I trip and miss the beat,
Skipping important footfalls,
Important steps that
Should have lead me to the right path,
But I致e strayed left again.
How tired,
Will I become?
Sick with this decision,
This delusion,
That leaves me feeling hollow,
Underappreciated and
Tainted.
Damaged like some kind of
Rubbish, not so much trash,
Just rubbish.
Impressions,
Left and rendered on the left right path.
Taking the road,
All the more traveled,
And that did make the difference.
The sadness rebuilds, recoils and
Reminds me of past mistakes,
Legacies and lunges in the
Direction of that wrong left path.
Impressions,
Sadistic or otherwise,
I relive these moments over
and over again,
As he says, the obvious,
The phrase hanging,
Dangling in mid-air.
Before he drops it,
Like the horror I expected,
But still, I知 shattered
By the implications.
Vantage points,
I look up from this wreckage
Survey this damage
And begin to tally my mental,
No maybe emotional budget,
In the hopes I値l find more black
Than red on this day.
But like always, I知 disappointed
By the numbers.
Impressions,
Mistaken thoughts and obvious
Implications, limited by time
And possibly space.
Distance, seems to be the best cure,
Possibly the only answer.
But why does distance feel wrong,
Distance feels like that wrong right path,
When where I want to be is left.
Identities,
Identical, practical matters,
And ideas uncovered,
And the reasoning becomes clear.
The tears have dried and the
Pain has subsided,
But the scars remain, have
Shaped who I will be.
The fall has repeated the pattern,
Accepted and anticipated
Future matters of internal
Mental security.
The fall,
The fall has repeated,
Repeated,
The same words, the same
Steps, the same footfalls and
I知 left again on this wrong right path,
Searching for the left,
The answer to my prayers
And only left with nightmares.
-TD
(written April 6th and editted May 8th 2009)
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Say When....
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Posted:Apr 10, 2009 3:26 pm
Last Updated:May 8, 2009 2:10 pm
4646 Views
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The tide is changing my friends, and I'm feeling more like the woman I should feel like. I'm feeling sexy and lusty. I'm doing things I wouldn't have normally done before and it's all thanks to one particular night of unbridled passion.
Those who know me, know I'm not one to easily jump into bed with a man, or a woman for that matter. But I recently had sex with a guy I've been talking to for quite a while. Despite the fact that we hardly know each other we've been in contact, on and off, for almost a year. I met him through an ad I placed on Craig's List, just about a year ago now. And persistent as he was, he wouldn't give up. We finally went on a regular date just about 3 weeks ago and this past week he finally convinced me that to take that next step. As hesitant as I was, I was tired of living the paranoid life of a fat girl. My thought process was as follows, okay, he thinks I'm attractive, but what if when I get naked, he doesn't like what he sees. What if he laughs and points or can't get it up because I'm just so unattractive.
Now, hold on for those of your who are going to scold me for saying these things out loud. I'm only admitting to thinking these things because my thinking has changed. I met up with him, he came and picked me up from my apartment, and we went to a relatively nice motel, and well... I've never experienced more liberating sex in my entire life. He actually fucked me like I was a person. He twisted me up like a pretzel and didn't apologize. He actually said to me at one point "let's just see how flexible you really are." And then he proceeded to give me my first ever true vaginal orgasm. Just about knocked me out for the count. I mean, I've enjoyed sex before, not to insult those that men that I've rolled around on the bed with. But this took things to a whole new level. It changed the way I look at things. He fucked me, and he enjoyed it, we both worked up a sweat. And after the fact we talked, laughed, even cuddled a little and the experience just solidified my own feelings of liberation.
And today, I went out and bought sexy lingerie. A first in my life. Like, not cute undies and bras, genuine sexy, lacy, see-through lingerie. And my philosophy was, if it doesn't fit completely, so be it, but it's cheap, on sale and it looks sexy. I'm ready for war and ready to fuck! I'm a woman on a mission.
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Spirit Restored!
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Posted:Mar 25, 2009 6:18 am
Last Updated:Apr 11, 2009 3:57 pm
5097 Views
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So, I just spent the last 4 days in Portland, Maine. And for a tiny town it certainly left an impression. First of all, gorgeous men as far as the eye can see. But that's not what has restored my spirit and my energy.
I went to a geology conference, and I've never engaged in so much intelligent conversation in my life. It was great, to ask questions and get intelligent answers, not guttural screams or something being thrown at you. It was almost unprecedented. I ran into a guy I knew back when I was a grad student the first time around, and well, much to my surprise, sparks flew. I remembered him being someone a little different than the man he's grown into, but the improvements, or rather changes are a positive thing. And ironically enough, he's grown into my ideal body type. But, he's a friend, lord knows nothing will ever come of it. Besides, he's dating someone, and we all know how that goes. I'm not the type to steal a man away from his wife/lover/boyfriend. I just don't have it in me, despite what some bitches might say.
Anyway, all of that intelligent merry-go-round activity reminded me how much I miss geology. How much I miss being in the thick of things and sadly, it's pushing back towards the field. Not a place I expected to be nearing the ripe old age of 30.
But today, I took an extra day off because I needed to rest from all the travel, 7 hours plus each way can take a total on anyone. So, I'm going to enjoy my day and go from there.
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PISSED but happy!
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Posted:Mar 2, 2009 7:49 am
Last Updated:May 9, 2024 10:29 am
4839 Views
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I had this WHOLE big blog entry, seriously wicked long all about this past week and my adventures, but my computer took a plop and I lost the entry.
But today NYC, for the first time in almost 2 years closed their schools so I'm HAPPY as a clam! So for that one particular guy who was worried about me writing something about him. I hadn't planned on giving specifics, because a lady doesn't kiss and tell, but I'll let you off the hook this time. All I'm going to say is, next time you better bring it with a vengeance!
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All the things I do for these !!!
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Posted:Mar 1, 2009 1:55 pm
Last Updated:Mar 7, 2009 4:26 pm
5117 Views
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So.... this was a long time coming. I knew I set myself up for it, but you know. I never imagined it would happen to me. Thursday, sometime between 4 and 6th period while I was teaching Class K (the designation give to the 2nd block of 9th graders that I teach) one of the little bastards stole my Ipod out of my desk. I went frantic looking for it, thinking maybe I misplaced it. Nope, it was gone so I started flipping out, screaming and crying. I was going so crazy that the assistant principal heard me and came down the hallway, unlocked my door (because she heard me with the door closed) and tried to calm me down. She apparently though I was just flipping out because the students had really been acting up earlier in the day. But when I told her what happened she flipped out too.
The only thing I have to say, and this is a credit to my Administration, is that they didn't give me the Department of Education line that it was my fault I should have had it locked up. They backed me up, went after the and hopefully I'll have it back come tomorrow. I'm not all that hopefully because it is an "in demand" electronic device. The one thing that really kills me is that the that stole it from me, and I know who they were because these two were the only ones that possibly could have done it, were two of my favorite students. And now, I no longer trust them or any of the from Class K. One act of selfishness ruins the rest of the year. I'm going to have to be Seargent Nazi-Drill Master-Rueger from now on. I don't want to do it, but that's part of life. That's just what's going to have to be. But on to lighter things.
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Crazy Irish guys and other coincidences
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Posted:Feb 22, 2009 4:24 pm
Last Updated:Mar 2, 2009 3:19 am
4496 Views
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Went to another BBW party last night, this time with a friend. I usually go alone, I prefer it that way. I can come and go as I please. I've been pushing my friend to go. She's really self-conscious, even though I think she's a really attractive woman.
So we went to this party and she was bummed and a downer the entire time. I love her to death, but she didn't want to even so much as dance. When I guy showed interest she brushed him off. I mean, you can lead a to water, but you can't make them drink. She accused me of having more self-confidence than her, but I really doubt that. I'm a good actress. I come off as confident and suave, but I'm really a shaking inside. This tough, NY chick most men see is really an act. Shhhhhh don't tell anyone it might make it harder to get laid. Or easier to get molested.
I though it would be good for her to be around all those confident BBW's, I guess I was wrong. She's not even a BBW, she's just kind of, but not really, chubby. She thinks she's chubby, but I really can't see it. Anyway, she had previously objected to going to these parties with me because she found them "degrading" because of their theme. But my argument is as follows. What makes a BBW themed party any different from a hispanic themed party or an African themed party? A party is a party. It's an atmosphere where these women are accepted and even revered because of their physical attributes. When she said she thought it was demeaning, it hurt my feelings. It's like she's invalidating who I am. I know I'm not defined by my weight, but it's hard to meet men that like BBW's. So, giving BBW's and their admirers a venue to meet and mingle like normal adults makes me feel a little more normal. A little less freakish and a little less like a social pariah.
I feel like she could have a boyfriend if she tried. I feel like she could have a husband at the drop of a hat if she really made an effort, but for woman my size, even in the BBW community, I'm at the larger end of the spectrum. Which brings me to the topic of my title for this entry. I was walking out of the bar the party was held in last night and this random man stopped me.
He moved like he wanted to shake my hand so I offered it to him and he kissed my knuckles. He then said, "I haven't seen you around here before, I would have remembered a woman like you." Or something to that effect. What shocked me into silence (and for those that know me, they know that's a rarity) was the kiss on the hand. It was such an intimate gesture. That and he had the most striking blue eyes I've ever seen and a thick accent that I think was Irish. Again, those that know me, know I'm a sucker for an Irish accent. So that combination, the eyes, the kiss and the accent, had me completely struck silent. All I could do was say thank you, blush and walk away as quickly as possible.
Later, on the train ride home, an odd compulsion struck me. I had this overwhelming wish that I had kissed him on the mouth in response. That's something very forward, not something I would have normally done in public, but something in his eyes compelled me to think of it. Even as I write this, I'm haunted by his eyes. I hope that next week, he'll be at the next BBW party. Something tells me that he won't, but a girl can dream.
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Una noche mas!
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Posted:Feb 15, 2009 1:41 pm
Last Updated:Feb 21, 2009 10:45 am
4576 Views
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So, I'm set to take yet another trip upstate. I miss that place and I find myself escaping to the great white north (central New York) as often as economically possible. I've found that in the last few weeks I've seen ups and downs like no others, but I've managed to come out up, rather than down.
I've been going to these BBW parties. They're called "Goddess Parties" held in downtown Manhattan and Brooklyn. I highly recommend them to BBW's and BBW admirers. They're great. Just search for them on your webbrowser. They have parties almost every weekend. Each party has a different theme.
Anyway, I've had mixed results with these parties. I've met a couple of nice guys, and I've met a couple of strange guys. Obsessed weirdos that don't understand that a dance is a dance, not a proposal. Or guys that won't take no for an answer and end up being pushy to the point that you have to be rude or mean to get the message across. No, means ummm NO!! Anyway, that being said, a lot depends on the attitude that you walk in with. I've noticed on the nights that I've walked in with the attitude that the night is young and so am I, then I've come out with better results. The nights I walk in tired, or grumpy, then well, I've had less than splendid results.
The point is, that you make your own destiny. The same with the dates I've been on lately. I've been on one or two "regular" dates and one "down to business" date. The "down to business" date was FANTASTIC! If I had known what I was missing all these months, I would have called him like.... MONTHS ago! I have a VERY high sex drive and if I tell you I'm still sexually sated 2 1/2 DAYS after the fact. That says a lot for that man's talent. I won't give away his name, because, well I'm selfish. I want his dick and his fingers all for myself. But those that have come across him from this site, know the power he holds. 
But back to the point, you are in charge of your own destiny. Those other two "regular" dates fizzled because of self-fulfilling prophecy. Because I listened to others and didn't listen to my own judgment. But at the same time, I look back on my actions and I'm grateful for the mistakes I've made. I'm grateful for not kissing this one, or not fucking that one. It proves the point, contrary to popular belief, that I'm not a cheap lay. I might be a cheap date, but I'm not a cheap lay.
So, I'm escaping to Oneonta, to run away from my life for a little while. Escaping from the city, from the smog and the congestion. Away from the worst of the worst and the judgment of those around me. I'm going back to a place and time when life was simpler and my mind wasn't clouded by knowledge of first hand knowledge of acts of a lascivious nature.
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Just a day, just and ordinary day... just trying to get by....
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Posted:Dec 11, 2008 1:42 pm
Last Updated:Mar 1, 2009 1:46 pm
4592 Views
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Just a girl, just an ordinary girl.. and she was looking to the sky!
I'm so tired, most days when I get home. I feel like crashing and never waking up. But today I hit the wall. I cried, really cried in front of my AP and told her that I didn't think I was cut out for teaching anymore. I told her I couldn't take it and that I was sick of the disrespect. They fucking stole from me. I spend my hard earned money to buy them rewards, little fucking shit like candy and pencils and shit and the little fuckers stole from me. They apparently wanted candy for doing nothing, so when I had my back turned to chastise another student, two of them went into my desk and stole and entire bag of those individual packets of m&m's.
I know that sounds shallow, and it's not so much that they took the candy. It's a matter of principal. They would have gotten it at some point, but they're fucking lazy. They want something for nothing. They want the rewards without the proof. I've decided that it's not going to be a them or me situation. They're going to change or they're going to fail. I'm done with fucking screaming until my larynx is bloody. I'm tired of making myself sick over getting in trouble and loosing my job because they didn't listen to me or participate when my supervisor was observing me. It's not your teaching Ms. D, it's that the students don't give a fuck. So now, you have to teach them and motivate them, and make them do thier work. I had a student tell me I should take notes for her the other day. FUCK THAT!!!
I'm sorry this probably sounds like the ranting of a mad woman, but it's so frustrating to know I'm trying my hardest and it's just not what they want, or it's that they don't care. I come in everyday, giving 150% of my heart and soul to the job and the , and I get shit on almost every period of the day. I'm tired of being a diaper for my students.
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To link to this blog (rm_Poetrybf) use [blog rm_Poetrybf] in your messages.
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