It Could Have Been Worse
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Posted:Oct 11, 2013 5:30 pm
Last Updated:Oct 11, 2013 11:58 pm
4440 Views
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Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side. So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.
Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''
And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''
Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''
Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''
Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''
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One Stone
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Posted:Oct 9, 2013 5:39 pm
Last Updated:Oct 11, 2013 3:36 pm
4491 Views
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There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
And the important moral of this story?
You can't kill two birds with one stone.
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Hole In One
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Posted:Oct 8, 2013 9:38 am
Last Updated:Oct 8, 2013 9:41 pm
4281 Views
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There was this preacher who was an
avid golfer. Every chance he could get,
he could be found on the golf course
swinging away. It was an obsession. One
Sunday was a picture perfect day for
golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in
the sky, and the temperature was just
right.
The preacher was in a quandary as to
what to do, and shortly, the urge to play
golf overcame him. He called an
assistant to tell him that he was sick and
could not do church, packed the car up,
and drove three hours to a golf course
where no one would recognize him.
Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the
preacher and was quite perturbed. He
went to God and said, "Look at the
preacher. He should be punished for
what he is doing."
God nodded in agreement. The preacher
teed up on the first hole. He swung at
the ball, and it sailed effortlessly
through the air and landed right in the
cup three hundred and fifty yards away.
A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was
amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He
turned to God and said, "Begging Your
pardon, but I thought you were going to
punish him?"
God smiled. "Think about it -- who can
he tell?"
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Caught In The Act
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Posted:Oct 4, 2013 12:06 pm
Last Updated:Oct 8, 2013 9:41 pm
4228 Views
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A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.
While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights,
yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous!
I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser.
He paid for your season Green Bay Packer Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said,
"What would you do?" The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
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Stressed Worker
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Posted:Oct 4, 2013 12:03 pm
Last Updated:Oct 4, 2013 11:39 pm
3412 Views
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I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "And where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
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Speedy Drivers
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Posted:Sep 23, 2013 7:19 pm
Last Updated:Sep 24, 2013 8:25 am
3947 Views
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Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a police officer see a car puttering along at 22 kph.
Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back....wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" ...the old woman says, a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."
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Redneck Fisherman
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Posted:Sep 20, 2013 8:14 am
Last Updated:Sep 24, 2013 8:25 am
3794 Views
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A redneck with a bucket full of live fish was approached recently by a game warden in Central Mississippi as he started to drive his boat away from a lake.
The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"
"Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."
"What a line...you're under arrest."
The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment Man. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!"
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"
"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.
The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden!
"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.
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Too Tight
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Posted:Sep 19, 2013 4:58 pm
Last Updated:Sep 20, 2013 8:15 am
3978 Views
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As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg She tried to take the step, only to discover that she could not.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg with a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Kentuckian who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Kentuckian smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
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Christmas Gifts
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Posted:Sep 15, 2013 10:43 am
Last Updated:Sep 16, 2013 9:33 am
3805 Views
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So a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer go to a bar right before Christmas and they're taking about what they got for their wife's! The doctor said he got get a diamond necklace and I trip to Jamaica so if she doesn't like the necklace, she still has the trip. The lawyer got his wife a 80 flat screen tv and a car so if she doesn't like the tv, she still has the car. The engineer got his wife pearl earrings and a dildo. The other two, confused, asked why he got the dildo. He replied, "So if she doesn't like the earrings, she can go fuck herself!"
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Exact Change
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Posted:Sep 10, 2013 11:30 am
Last Updated:Sep 10, 2013 3:33 pm
3717 Views
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One day, a man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The man orders a beer, and so does the ostrich. The cat orders half a pint, and refuses to tip the bartender. The bartender tells them their bill is $10.78. The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78.
The next day, the man, the ostrich and the cat go back to the bar. They order the same thing as the day before, and again the cat is really rude to the bartender and won't tip him. The bartender tells them that their bill is $10.78. The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78.
The next day, the man, the ostrich and the cat go back into the bar. This time the man and the ostrich order a double scotch. The cat orders a scotch and is rude to the bartender. The bartender smiles to himself, knowing that there is no chance the man will get the exact amount of money, and he's getting pissed at the cheapskate cat.
He tells the man that their bill is $15.63. The man reaches into his pocket and gets the exact change! The bartender is astonished. He asks the man how he always gets the right amount of change.
The man tells him, "Well, one day I came across a lamp. I rubbed it and a genie came out. He told me I could have any three wishes I wanted. My first wish was that I could reach into my pocket and get the exact change of anything I was buying."
"Very smart," said the bartender.
"My second wish was to have a high tolerance for alcohol."
"Good choice!" the bartender exclaimed. "What was your third wish?"
"Well, that wasn't too bright on my part. I wished for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."
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Nurse Jenny
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Posted:Sep 2, 2013 7:52 pm
Last Updated:Sep 4, 2013 8:40 am
3667 Views
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Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
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Tough Cop
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Posted:Aug 30, 2013 11:30 pm
Last Updated:Aug 31, 2013 9:26 am
3524 Views
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A couple of tough looking policemen were patrolling when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped to investigate.
The Sergeant, a big burly man, gets out of the patrol car and says,
"What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the policeman says, "Wow! That was the best
Kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could make someone a great wife! Why are you committing suicide?"
The potential jumper replies, "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
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President In Hell
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Posted:Aug 30, 2013 9:19 pm
Last Updated:Aug 31, 2013 9:26 am
3896 Views
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Barack Obama has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I'm not sure what to do." says the Devil. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go."
"I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves!"
Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so he agrees. The Devil opened the first room. In it was Nancy Peloisi and a large pool of hot water. she kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was her fate in hell.
"No!' said Obama. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer!" The Devil led him to the next room. In it was George bush with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I had to do was break rocks all day."
The Devil opened the third door. In it, Obama saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Obama looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally says, "Yeah, I can handle this." The Devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to Go!"
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