Irishmen
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Posted:Jun 5, 2013 11:03 pm
Last Updated:Jun 6, 2013 1:15 am
2962 Views
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Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day
without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, “I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don’t get it – why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, ” Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person
team.
But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.
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Adopted Twins
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Posted:Jun 5, 2013 10:22 pm
Last Updated:May 25, 2024 6:47 am
2908 Views
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Ahmal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.”
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Cheating Hubby
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Posted:Jun 5, 2013 10:16 pm
Last Updated:May 25, 2024 6:47 am
2850 Views
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A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.
“Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock.”
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!”
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Little Johnny AGAIN
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Posted:Jun 4, 2013 4:12 pm
Last Updated:Jun 5, 2013 10:08 am
2898 Views
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Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
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Silent But Deadly
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Posted:Jun 3, 2013 11:42 pm
Last Updated:Jun 4, 2013 4:03 pm
2946 Views
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little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office.”
The doctor says, “I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.
The next week the lady goes back to his office. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!”
The doctor says, “Good, Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
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Alien Wife Swap
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Posted:Jun 2, 2013 10:31 am
Last Updated:Jun 5, 2013 10:23 pm
3121 Views
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The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock-market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. “Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen. “Pretty much the way you do,”responds the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He’s got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen. “Why?” he asks, “What’s the matter?” “Well,” she replies, “It’s just not long enough to reach me!” “No problem,” he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite impressively long. “Well,” she says, “That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow….” “No problem,” he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull,his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. “Wow!” she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks “Well, was it any good?” “I hate to say it,” says Maureen, “but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?” “It was horrible,” he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.”
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Oranges
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Posted:May 30, 2013 11:00 pm
Last Updated:Jun 1, 2013 9:56 pm
2932 Views
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Denise was a , but she didn’t want anyone to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a hotel, and Denise was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Denise’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, ”Why are you standing in line here, dear?” Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Denise told her grandmother that the policemen were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
Why, that’s awfully nice of them. I think I’ll get some for myself,” and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, ” Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?” Grandma replied, ”Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry.”
The policeman fainted.
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Surprise ending
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Posted:May 27, 2013 12:51 am
Last Updated:Jul 18, 2013 9:44 am
2844 Views
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A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Dark in here.” The man says, “Yes, it is.” Boy – “I have a baseball.” Man – “That’s nice.” Boy – “Want to buy it?” Man – “No, thanks.” Boy – “My dad’s outside.” Man – “OK, how much?” Boy – “$250″
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy – “Dark in here.” Man – “Yes, it is.” Boy – “I have a baseball glove.” The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?” Boy – “$750″ Man – “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” Boy – “$1,000″ The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, “Dark in here.” The priest says, “Don’t start that shit again.”
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Little Johnny
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Posted:May 23, 2013 2:04 pm
Last Updated:May 23, 2013 11:02 pm
2893 Views
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Little Johnny lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and Little Johnny hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and Johnnie determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so Little Johnny decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, Little Johnny asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it ?" Little Johnny answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth." His dad replied, "Well, , George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."
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E.D .
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Posted:May 22, 2013 10:52 am
Last Updated:May 22, 2013 5:52 pm
3011 Views
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After many years, a guy finds that he can’t obtain an erection anymore, so he pays a visit to the local doctor. After an examination, the doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis have failed and that there is nothing he can do unless the man is willing to try a new kind of experimental surgery. The doctor explains that it is a procedure where they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and see how things go. Initially, the guy is a bit daunted by the idea, though the thought of never being able to have sex again is even scarier and he eventually agrees so go ahead with the procedure.
A date is scheduled and the doctor performs the surgery. The operation is a success and, after a few weeks, the doctor finally gives the guy go ahead to “try out his new equipment”. So, the guy takes his new girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. This soon becomes unbearable; so he figures that no one can see him under the tablecloth, so he undoes the zipper in his pants and is surprised to see that his penis quickly pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll and disappears back into his pants. though he seems to get by the first time without anyone noticing, he soon feels the same urge again and, once again, there is movement in his pants as his cock quickly flops out onto the table and grabs a second bread roll. This time, though, his girlfriend notices and sits in shock for a few moments, before she gets a sly look on her face. “That was pretty cool party trick! Can you do that again?” With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says “Probably, but I don’t know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!”
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Bridge to Hawaii
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Posted:May 18, 2013 2:18 pm
Last Updated:May 19, 2013 9:43 am
2991 Views
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A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, “Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
God replied, "Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
And God said: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge...?"
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Oldies But Goodies
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Posted:May 8, 2013 7:20 pm
Last Updated:May 9, 2013 9:49 am
3488 Views
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A Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it..'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'
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Right Said Fred
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Posted:May 7, 2013 11:20 am
Last Updated:May 18, 2013 2:19 pm
3115 Views
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An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
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