fixing Dad
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Posted:Mar 1, 2013 8:49 pm
Last Updated:May 25, 2024 8:40 am
3354 Views
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A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?
It’s been flickering for weeks now.”
He looks at her and says angrily, “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so.”
“Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right.”
To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”
“Fine,” she says, “Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re about to break.”
“I’m not a damn carpenter and I don’t want to fix the steps,” he says. “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of you. I’m going to the bar!!!”
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.
He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. “Honey, how’d this all get fixed?”
She said, “Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake.”
He said, “So, what kind of cake did you bake him?”
She replied, “Hellooooo… Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?”
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elevators
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Posted:Mar 1, 2013 1:16 pm
Last Updated:Mar 1, 2013 4:04 pm
3250 Views
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A skinny little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.”
The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and starts shaking him. The big guy says, “What's wrong with you?” In a weak voice the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?”
The big dude says, “I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!"
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Hair Cut
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Posted:Feb 28, 2013 6:09 pm
Last Updated:Mar 1, 2013 10:13 am
3145 Views
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A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"
Again, the barber looks around at a shop full of customers and says"about 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks"how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says,"this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"
Joey says, "To your house!"
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Mongolian VD
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Posted:Feb 19, 2013 7:12 pm
Last Updated:Feb 20, 2013 10:18 am
2754 Views
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While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not
use a condom the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find
his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having
seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to
return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I've got bad
news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost
unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, Doc.”
The doctor answers, “I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have
to amputate your penis.”
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!”
The doctor replies, “Well, it's your choice. Go ahead, if you want but
surgery is your only option.”
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know
more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD.
Vewy ware disease.”
The guy says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can
we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah,
always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!”
“Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims.
“Yes”, says the Chinese doctor. “Wait two week. Faw off by itself...!”
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