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| Blogs > keeping21972 > My Blog |
what is it with some people at times
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what is it with some people at times The more i deal with people at times these past years the more i stay in my office til i truely need to deal with them where as it do bring a question to mind ... When it comes to women I lost three of them to jerks that don't take care of the women that they take away from me as I lost one to the memory of a man that was a jerk that she is still in love with where as the last one was my fault in a way as I wish her the best in life ... When it comes down to the heart of the matter I have given up looking for that woman to spend my life with and am just going to make what friends I can where as I have met some good people here ... In remembering a line from John Wayne there is a statement of " I won't be pushed and I won't be bullied .. I do not do these things to others and expect the same in return " which is something that comes to my mind at times as I find the jerks even in cyberspace .. Someone jabbed me in the leg with a needle just to feel better only then threw the needle in the haystack wanting for me to go fetch it just to get me mad where as is now still rubbing it in when it came to that statement of " leave me alone " ... There are times when I come into a room doing the dance of the sugar fairies or some other joke that isn't hurting any member as that is done for fun and a light comedy for those that come in later to read , but in turn no member is hurt or disrespected on purpose where as I do hurt that member by accident I am the first to say I am sorry for it ... There is a reason i refer to the hills in the range as i have as when I am out there I am usually alone where as that is filled with my memories including those that I am not proud of only to hear from others after the facts coming in and stating what I should of done only to be asked " where were you when I needed you " where as a select few did help ... In turn I done what I did in the past during a time when there was no help only to feel the pain that came from the world I lived in where I never expected help and didn't ask for it in return ... With the way I see things at times these past years have been a living hell to the point that I cry to the Lord to take and get things over with as I have been torchered enough to the point I no longer care what truely happens to me at times .. There are times when I have been pushed to the edges of suicide where as in 1989 I had the point of my knife at my heart trying to thrust it is as an unseen force griped my wrist til the knife dropped ... It was about that time mabe a few years later that a teacher decided to look into the matter as she sort of took a trip into them hills to see for herself what happened where as my mother was told to feel lucky she wasn't facing criminal charges as well of which she told a county worker that the can of worms that they opened was worse then they thought after she spoke to a close friend that came forward ... There is that feeling of asking why I was worth saving even now as I look on my forearms at the scars that time covered as my soal is scared even worse with the knowledge of what could of happened to my close friend ... In turn my worst nightmare became a reality when I received a call from a classmate that my close friend barely excaped as she was shot at only to find that I couldn't get my car started to get up there to help her ... How far have I truely come is a question that keeps coming to my mind as my eyes look around as the low growl of a bear rumbles through my soal as I tell myself " temper temper Donold Duck " with the feel that it is better if I suck it in tight not to explode ... In about 1999 I was taken to a treatment center where as there wasn't much said from my lips even after my close friend made a call to the treatment center answering their questions including the scars on my forearms as she called me at times to see if I needed anything where as I went though the anger management program til i was released in the month of Febuary of 2000 ... When I wasn't in classes I was on the smoking porch looking out a thick metal screen as I smoked my cigars and still not saying much on anything unless there was something important that was needed ... someone told me that the place was closed down as the staff were moved to other sites as I did do one thing as I entered a research study releasing the notes for that purpose so that the ones that needed the help could get the help they needed .... As I stated before if someone tried to help me I would not be able to understand when they are trying to help where as I have had to look after myself so much even down to putting my knee or shoulder back in place ... When it comes to friends I care for them more then I care for myself and at time kicked out funds in such a number that it cut my throat ... When it comes to looking at things aside from that short list of names that grows a little longer by a name or two I am what is concidered expendable meaning that in turn I can be gotten rid of without cost of value or loss of life ... And for those that thought they grew up in a strict home the rule in mine was " no excuses " where as I was beaten and thrown in a corner til it was decided what the rest of my punishment should be where as it involved more beatings and grounded for something as simple as being late for curfew by five seconds on the wall clock even though i had a wrist watch that said other times listed ... Or my favorite which was getting beaten for telling my sister what I thought of her when it came down to it it gave my sister that feeling of power knowing that all she had to do was cry to my mother for her to watch me get beaten some more .. In turn since my mother couldn't punish her own took anger out on me at times of which i took hold of her metal spatula busting it across my knee and handing it back to her stating that she went to far , but then again my mother didn't want to believe her own was acting like a demon so everything had to be my fault ... When it came to going to school I back handed a bully at one time so he came back with some of his friends as they hung me over the rail by my ankles aiming me at the pop machine where as all hell broke loose when i came too only to loose that temper of mine ... After that all that was said and done with most of them in the hospital , my punishment was 30 - 60 days in a room away from the student body as my fist and right leg was registered as a weapon meaning if I so much as punched someone the charges of attempted murder would be placed on me which left me an open target at the time ... So in turn people just continued to take advantage of that fact as I grew up even meaner to the point that in 1990 I put a dent in the locker with my fist and went down the hall stating that I was leaving that county as soon as i could to return back to a county that I was somewhat treated as a human being ... As far as the event go now some people want me to loose my temper so that in turn I get banned or seem to enjoy this sick pleasure of theirs of feeling the power that they can do what ever they want to me without fear of being punished themselves with the age old statement of " he hit me for no reason " which is a statement that rings like a broken record ... So if in turn I put up with the crap they have the pleasure of doing what ever they want with me or I have the honer of loosing my membership when I finally loose that temper of mine ... It is unknown as to what others are going to think of me where as I don't truely care that much other then the fact I want to talk to those that are my friends without others wanting to ban me because they can ... With Hookup.Date Naughty Affair Dating getting more punishment crazy as they ban people for speaking out it has gone too far the control way to the point it is being abused as others as well as myself have seen it abused ... To me this is the cyberspace playground where you have your friends , you have your enemies , and you have the bullies of which are going to do everything to temper tantrums til they get their way or their revenge if their plans are ruined ... There is a lot to think on here as the hour comes up on three in the morning in my time zone where as my friends and my business are my world where it doesn't matter to me if they are sitting across the table from me drinking coffee or sitting at their pc's chatting with me ... When it come to the company of a good friend they are a pleasure to be with as I hope to chat with them for years in the future as i did when i was on a network FriendFinder which is a sister network to Hookup.Date Naughty Affair Dating ... |
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5/5/2009 11:57 pm |
wow......sounds like we have been thru alot of the same things in life......to a point i know alot of what ya have wrote....strange how two people in the world...can go thru alot of the same things and stumble on it by accident.........by just looking thru some sites.....hunny you will alway have me as a friend no matter what ...hugs carol aka hot4
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