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| Blogs > spinmedown > Toppling |
The Condom Chronicles
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The Condom Chronicles Being 40 is okay in my book. I can finally stand in line at the counter at Walgreens with nothing but a box of condoms in my hands and yawn while Lil' Ol' Ladies and Mothers To Be and So Forth give me the curious looks they usually reserve for something they found in the the bottom of their purse. Yeah. I have finally come to grips with rubbers, condoms, profilactics ( however-the-fuck you spell it ). But it's been a pretty fucked up journey getting there. The first time I used them was with my first serious girlfriend. Duh.... So the first time I had to buy them was quite a Herculean task emotionally. I blush very easily -I think it's from being raised Catholic with all of that guilt and shit. Shit! I meant stuff. Oh shit! - so I knew I was already totally screwed cuz I was going to be beat-red and sweating profusely and looking oh so very uncool about the whole thing instead of looking like Joe Cool Whose Your Daddy Now. So I walked into Walgreens like a man on a mission. And I made sure it was a Walgreens in a part of town where I wasn't known and wasn't going to be known. I walked back and looked all around until I finally found them. So far so good, now all I gotta do is grab a pack and pay for it and get the hell outta there. I had noticed that there wasn't anyone at the check out counter when I walked in, so I figured I had better get a move on. I just reached out and grabbed the first pack that I could reach and made a bee line for the counter. I was doing pretty good, pulse barely elevated, slightly flushed with the thrill of my first purchase of adulthood. I was gonna do it. It was going to be fine. Still nobody at the counter. I'd be out of there before I had enough time to make a fool of myself. I was just an aisle of two away from the counter when a great mob of people and buggies emerged from the end of the aisle closest to the counter and rolled to a stop in front of the cashier. I was totally screwed. It was at least three generations of womenfolk and all of their friends with buggies full of things and and more things. There was a combo family reunion, PTA meeting, Goddam Springer Show happenin' right there, smack dab in the way of my coolness. I was screwed, and I knew it. I was screwed, and they knew it. Much to my chagrin. Much to their delight. I tried to play it cool. That didn't work. So I started to fidget, and to blush, and to hum, and to whistle; but it came out kinda thin and reedy so I stopped, and to sweat profusely until my sweat glands finally got bored with it and stopped. While I was keeping myself busy with my discomfort as I waited, there semed to be some sort of mental telepathy conference going on in front of me. From both the nature and the number of glances I received, I deduced that I was probably the subject and the main exhibit of this conference. Eventually all of the buggies were rung up, and the were lined up, and the conference was wrapped up, and I was handing the cashier a soggy $10 bill to fi-na-lee pay for the condoms. And then I was cooler than I had ever been before, driving down the road in my shiny blue Mercury Carpri RS with the mag wheels, wearing my Raybans, smoking a cigarette, listening to The Cure, on my way to the GF's before her parents came home...with my first box of condoms. I got to her house and after the preliminaries she asked me, "did you buy the condoms?" Sounding suave and sophisticated, "of course I did". And I showed her the box to reinforce my studly preparedness. "Why'd you get the Lambskins?" "The what?" "Lambskins. Condoms made from sheep intestines. It's cool. I've just never used them before." Gulp. "Oh yeah. I prefer them." **SHEEP INTESTINES, NATURLAMB- Read the box next time. DEAR GOD... READ THE BOX** Gulp. She opened the box, took one out, opened it and gave it a sniff. "They smell like daisies. Here. What do you think?" Yep. They smelled like daisies to me, too. So then I had to try to not think about sheep intestines while I was pushing up daisies for the rest of the afternoon. Then there was the time she was house-sitting for a stodgy, old neighbor; and we decided it would be fun to fool around in their bedroom. It was fun, and naughty, and exciting, and satisfying, and then I took off the condom and casually tossed it over the edge of the bed onto the floor. And when it was time to go, we got dressed, and cleaned the place up and placed everything back exactly the way it was before. And then I looked and looked, and then we looked and looked for that condom. We looked under the bed; we looked everywhere, and we couldn't find it. We were completely baffled. Condoms just don't disappear. But somehow this one had. Two weeks later she called me to tell me that she had made a surprisinfg discovery. She was wearing the same pair of jeans; and while she was sitting in class, she unrolled one of the cuffs and a dessicated condom fell out onto the floor. So with her usual, unflappable coolness she picked it up before anyone could see and rolled it back up into the cuff. In the years since then I've moved away from the lambskins and found my preference of style and brand. And to the lady who looked at my cock after I'd just rolled a condom onto it and said, "Doesn't that hurt? You should buy the Magnums": Yeah. Right. Bless you heart. And even though I'm cool now about buying them, there are still a few things that I haven't quite figured out. I can't for the life of me put one on in the dark. I still have to visually figure out which way it unrolls. And then I can't really look at my dick once its on without thinking that the resevoir tip looks like a little Dunce's Cap. And losing all thoughts of passion and desire and wanting to laugh at how stupid my dick looks. And I look back now and remember how it seemed like I couldn't feel anything with those stupid lambskins. And how stupid I was on the day that it suddenly felt great. And then seeing my dick afterward looking like a peeled banana with the condom completely split...and then sitting on the couch waiting for the pregnancy test results a few weeks later vowing that I'd never use lambskins...or eat bananas again if it was negative. These days I'm pretty impressed with how sensitive they are, especially with a few drops of Astroglide inside, and how they never break any more. And I read the box...and check the date...and double check the date...and laugh at the illustrations inside the box - How Very Goo Lagoon. Most people are other people... FUCKING CHARACTER LIMIT!!! ~Oscar Wilde |
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10/25/2007 9:02 pm |
do what makes u feel good
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Spinner, A word of warning........ Don't fuck with the lambskin. If I thought you were that type of guy I'd have warned you sooner. Trojan "ultra-thin" will be fine. No charge for the advice. DIV "My every move is a calculated step, to bring me closer to embrace an early death." -Tupac Shakur
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. A most riveting take on The Prophylaxis of Evil. I just don't care for Trojans, which is unfortunate because, unlike my preferred brand, they're available everywhere! Of course, part of my problem is that I can only find my rubbers in the Boy's Department... . Been a while since they last let me out into polite society. Resurfacing, catching a breath, & catching up.  And while I got my Broad-Brimmed Pimping Hat on, could I cajole all of y'all to Comment on, Alone In A Cloud? It's probably the best thing that I've written! Lately... .
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That was an interesting read, spin. Very wittily written. blog on!
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Ever leave a lambskin on too long? They dry out and it's like trying to peel the skin off your dick after a bad sunburn. Have tongue, will use it. Repeatedly.
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Interesting thread. Not having ever bought condoms, I always wondered which were preferable and why (aside from individual preference)
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SPIN ~ Okay, here it is from MY perspective ... hiding my lover's condoms from the Overlord Protectors! I've never before in my life until the most recent past ever allowed a lover to stay over or even come over (except, like, in the last couple of months). I mean, ever. Well, now it's happened. And as has happened ... he's brought over condoms for me to keep in my bathroom vanity. My youngest son, OP #2, 16.5-years-old, unexpectedly came to visit one day, and I hadn't had time to clean-out my bathroom trash bin before he runs upstairs to use my loo! And I'm praying, "Oh Dear God, do NOT let him look in the trash bin ... DO NOT let him look in the trash bin!" Because my lover had been over the night and early morning before, and I did not take-out the trash (as I usually would have -- OF COURSE), and there were CONDOM WRAPPERS in it! If he saw them he still has not said a word ... This is my blog - [blog _Safira]. There are many like it, but this one is mine. RECOMMENDED READING: A F F The Only Site For Me
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11/14/2007 6:37 pm |
So then I had to try to not think about sheep intestines while I was pushing up daisies for the rest of the afternoon. Cute name for a girlfriend  Pros and cons on the naturals. They feel good and they're GREAT for leaving no aftertaste (a positive when you like to switch back and forth) but on the downside, they seem to just suck up moisture like a sponge. Mind putting some of that lube on the outside pal? LOL!!  
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11/15/2007 4:34 pm |
I have never tried them.. but i am pretty aware of the split condom scenario.... Funny how good those things feel when they are half peeled off the guy but you both don;t know it! ANd one time I bought some condoms on sale.. Stupid stupid move... and then my lover and I made love, and of course, the damn condoms split while we were having sex... So he pulls out and we both see, the damn thing is in shreds.. I was 2 weeks late that month too.. I am not sure if it was from stress or what? Longest 2 weeks of my life, i tell you. I find that alot of those condoms split ALOT! I just don;t trust them myself. If i am in the middle of my cycle, I always try to use another form of BC with the condoms. I really think condoms are a poor form of BC myself.. Good for preventing diseases though, depending....
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lmao... great post... forgot my nose hurts..
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