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| Blogs > Mariana_Trench_ > poetic disambiguation |
3...6...9
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3...6...9 Deep prolonged entry with the strong pink cocks duality and introspection and exhibition... the sit-ups it evokes from her, arms fast on the climbing invisible rope to the sky clasping and unclasping the cosmic portal. Inside, the long breaths of lung and cunt swell the vocal cords and a rasp a song loud sudden overdrive into disintegrate, spinal melt, video hologram in the belly. Her tits are luminous and sway to the rhythm and I grab them and exaggerate their orbs. Shoulders above like loaves of heaven, nutmeg-flecked, exuding light like violet diode closing circuit where the wall, its fuse box, so stolidly stood. No room for fantasy. She's all filled up. We watch ourselves, we three, listlessly pounding ourselves oblivion. Shuddering, all the skin transforms the past with such disinterested fascination, the only attitude that does not stall the song by an outburst of throaty odes and still lets consciousness- an incurable voyeur, peeks in.       |
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"Deep prolonged entry with the strong pink cocks" I really like the meter on this line, and the consonance of the last three words in particular. ng begets nk begets ck - transitioning consonance, I believe it's called. "Deep prolonged entry" doesn't strike me the same way - I'd either touch it up, if something strikes you (I'd try to replace "entry" - I like the long vowels of the first two and think "entry" deflates their effect), or cut it back so that "strong pink cocks" can be stronger. duality and introspection and exhibition... Introspection for some reasons tastes intuitively 'off' here to me. Maybe a "hiccup" - what's the term? Forced glottal stop? "and_intro" tastes funny... yeah, i think that's it. Hard to say aloud, and deflates the beautiful "and_exhi..." If there's an alternative, I might try it, or even placing introspection first. eh. the sit-ups it evokes from her, arms fast what's the "it" here? the entry? I really like the meter and layout of that phrase "the sit-ups it evokes from her" - well done with that. on the climbing invisible rope to the sky Hmm. I'd cut articles: "on climbing invisible skyward ropes"; "on invisible ropes, climbing skyward," ... yeah, I like the later. "arms fast on invisible ropes" sounds lovely. clasping and unclasping the cosmic portal. metered, nice. More paced than "clasping and unclasping cosmic portals," but I could dig that too. Your more patient than I am.  Inside, the long breaths of lung and cunt swell the vocal cords and a rasp a song oh, I can't resist. First, I love this, second, I really like this: "Inside the long breaths of cunt and lung swell the vocal cords and rasp a song." I like 1-2-2-1 there, 'long' and 'lung' pairing, and I like tying lung to song assonance-wise. loud sudden overdrive into disintegrate, spinal melt, video hologram in the belly. nothing to add here. I don't think I catch "video hologram in the belly" as powerfully as I'd like. But it's a nice anti-climax, maybe? Looking at the next two lines, I'd like to see something auditory instead of visual (that "rhythm" might loosely refer to?), maybe? I dunno, holograms tastes a touch uninteresting to me. Maybe I think they're over-hyped. Her tits are luminous and sway to the rhythm and I grab them and exaggerate their orbs. LOVELY. Shoulders above like loaves of heaven, nutmeg-flecked, exuding light like violet diode closing circuit where the wall, its fuse box, so stolidly stood. I'm too much of an electrical engineer to distance myself from the allusion to electricity here. lol. I haven't a clue what visual to pull from this. lol. Maybe someone with less context for diodes and fuse boxes will have a more natural visual. As is, it tastes like electrical terms too vague to paint a picture. No room for fantasy. She's all filled up. cute. We watch ourselves, we three, listlessly pounding ourselves oblivion. (intentionally leaving "into" out?" pounding an oblivion out, instead of pounding you three into it? hmmm. I think I DO like it without more barely useful prepositions, but ending meter on oblivion feels trite or almost comic. Might do better in the middle someplace? I don't really have an alternative, it just doesn't quite sit as sexily as I'd like it to. Shuddering, all the skin transforms the past with such disinterested fascination, Reminds me of a Thich Nhat Hanh saying, "With enough mindfulness of the present, we can even transform the past." I once used some of his speeches for a poetry analysis class - he has the most AMAZING natural meter and sentence structure. Fascinatly NOT western - prototypically linear, he tends to layer instead. Instead of ABCDE, it's ABCDEDCBA. I recommend "the sun my heart" to you. the only attitude that does not stall the song by an outburst of throaty odes (god, I love these two lines) and still lets consciousness- an incurable voyeur, peeks in. ("and still allows incurable voyeurs their peeks" ? Hmm. I'd rather end on odes. MMMmmmaybe not. "Shuddering, all the skin transforms the past with such disinterested fascination the only attitude that does not stall the skins' song by throaty odes and allow the voyeur consciousness a peek" Happy birthday. Thank you for consistently contributing so significantly to my experience online. And as I'm sure you know, it's easier to critique than create, so please... with a grain of salt. MT
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"Deep prolonged entry with the strong pink cocks" I really like the meter on this line, and the consonance of the last three words in particular. ng begets nk begets ck - transitioning consonance, I believe it's called. "Deep prolonged entry" doesn't strike me the same way - I'd either touch it up, if something strikes you (I'd try to replace "entry" - I like the long vowels of the first two and think "entry" deflates their effect), or cut it back so that "strong pink cocks" can be stronger. duality and introspection and exhibition... Introspection for some reasons tastes intuitively 'off' here to me. Maybe a "hiccup" - what's the term? Forced glottal stop? "and_intro" tastes funny... yeah, i think that's it. Hard to say aloud, and deflates the beautiful "and_exhi..." If there's an alternative, I might try it, or even placing introspection first. eh. the sit-ups it evokes from her, arms fast what's the "it" here? the entry? I really like the meter and layout of that phrase "the sit-ups it evokes from her" - well done with that. on the climbing invisible rope to the sky Hmm. I'd cut articles: "on climbing invisible skyward ropes"; "on invisible ropes, climbing skyward," ... yeah, I like the later. "arms fast on invisible ropes" sounds lovely. clasping and unclasping the cosmic portal. metered, nice. More paced than "clasping and unclasping cosmic portals," but I could dig that too. Your more patient than I am. Inside, the long breaths of lung and cunt swell the vocal cords and a rasp a song oh, I can't resist. First, I love this, second, I really like this: "Inside the long breaths of cunt and lung swell the vocal cords and rasp a song." I like 1-2-2-1 there, 'long' and 'lung' pairing, and I like tying lung to song assonance-wise. loud sudden overdrive into disintegrate, spinal melt, video hologram in the belly. nothing to add here. I don't think I catch "video hologram in the belly" as powerfully as I'd like. But it's a nice anti-climax, maybe? Looking at the next two lines, I'd like to see something auditory instead of visual (that "rhythm" might loosely refer to?), maybe? I dunno, holograms tastes a touch uninteresting to me. Maybe I think they're over-hyped. Her tits are luminous and sway to the rhythm and I grab them and exaggerate their orbs. LOVELY. Shoulders above like loaves of heaven, nutmeg-flecked, exuding light like violet diode closing circuit where the wall, its fuse box, so stolidly stood. I'm too much of an electrical engineer to distance myself from the allusion to electricity here. lol. I haven't a clue what visual to pull from this. lol. Maybe someone with less context for diodes and fuse boxes will have a more natural visual. As is, it tastes like electrical terms too vague to paint a picture. No room for fantasy. She's all filled up. cute. We watch ourselves, we three, listlessly pounding ourselves oblivion. (intentionally leaving "into" out?" pounding an oblivion out, instead of pounding you three into it? hmmm. I think I DO like it without more barely useful prepositions, but ending meter on oblivion feels trite or almost comic. Might do better in the middle someplace? I don't really have an alternative, it just doesn't quite sit as sexily as I'd like it to. Shuddering, all the skin transforms the past with such disinterested fascination, Reminds me of a Thich Nhat Hanh saying, "With enough mindfulness of the present, we can even transform the past." I once used some of his speeches for a poetry analysis class - he has the most AMAZING natural meter and sentence structure. Fascinatly NOT western - prototypically linear, he tends to layer instead. Instead of ABCDE, it's ABCDEDCBA. I recommend "the sun my heart" to you. the only attitude that does not stall the song by an outburst of throaty odes (god, I love these two lines) and still lets consciousness- an incurable voyeur, peeks in. ("and still allows incurable voyeurs their peeks" ? Hmm. I'd rather end on odes. MMMmmmaybe not. "Shuddering, all the skin transforms the past with such disinterested fascination the only attitude that does not stall the skins' song by throaty odes and allow the voyeur consciousness a peek" Happy birthday. Thank you for consistently contributing so significantly to my experience online. And as I'm sure you know, it's easier to critique than create, so please... with a grain of salt. "The greatest worth is self-mastery ..quality is seeking to serve others ..precept is continual awareness ..medicine is the emptiness of all ..action is not conforming with the world ..magic is transmuting passions ..wisdom is seeing deeply"
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'No room for fantasy. She's all filled up.' I look at those 3, and her face, lips slightly parted, eyes half-closed, half-open...I'm not sure I've ever seen an m-f-m threesome ever so erotic! Incurabe I may be, but I simply can't help peeking in! Nice post, MT. I am so glad you enjoyed it. Was it perhaps adding to the initial fires we flamed with the previous read (Patent Leather Shoes)? I'd like to think if done properly and read by the 'right' sort of reader that my works would be just about almost as arousing as sitting in a movie exchanging gentle caresses during the opening credits...fingers behind my hair, arm behind my head, a rhythmic slide of the digits...Oh I'm turning myself on! Appreciation for your appreciation- Warmly and Moistly, Mariana_Trench_
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Dear Mr. Bliss, Well, thank you and I do appreciate the homage to George Orwell. Better to reference that than Animal Farm!!! Cheers, Mariana_Trench_
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'No room for fantasy. She's all filled up.' I look at those 3, and her face, lips slightly parted, eyes half-closed, half-open...I'm not sure I've ever seen an m-f-m threesome ever so erotic! Incurabe I may be, but I simply can't help peeking in! Nice post, MT.
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