Need a drink?
|
Posted:Dec 17, 2006 7:20 pm
Last Updated:Dec 23, 2006 10:33 am
2045 Views
|
A married couple is dining at a table in a plush restaurant, when the husband notices his wife keeps staring at a drunken man swigging his drinkas he sit s alone at a nearby table. The husband asks, "Do you know him?"
"Yes," sighs the wife, "He's my ex-boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the husband, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Killer Biscuits!
|
Posted:Dec 16, 2006 4:26 pm
Last Updated:Dec 23, 2006 10:32 am
2019 Views
|
Lisa Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to buy grocerys at a local supermarket. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up with her eyes closed and her hands on the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for quite a while became concerned and walked over to her car.
He noticed her eyes were now open and she looked very strange; He asked her if she was OK and she replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics who broke into her car since the doors were locked and Lisa refused to remove her hands from the back of her head.
When they finally got in they seen a wad of dough on the back of Lisa's head... A Pilsbury biscuit cannister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise like a gunshot and the wad of dough hit her in the back of the head.
When she reached back and felt the dough she thought it was her brains. She initially passed out but quickly recovered, and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. Lisa is a blonde.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Push
|
Posted:Dec 14, 2006 12:39 pm
Last Updated:Dec 16, 2006 4:12 pm
2117 Views
|
A man and his wife are awaken from their bed by loud pounding on the front door. The man goes down and turns the lights on, a drunken
stranger is standing on the porch asking for a push.
Not a chance says the husband, the weather is terrible and it is three o'clock in the morning! He slams the door, turns out the lights
and returns to bed. "Who was that" asks his wife. "Just some drunk wanting a push" he answers. "Did you help him" she asks. "No i did
not, it's three o'clock, it is pouring rain outside."
"Well you have a poor memory," she says. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us!
I think you should help, and you should be ashamed of yourself."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out in the pouring rain.
He calls out, "You still out there?" "Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" he asks. "Yes, please," comes the
reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband
The drunk replies, "Over here on the swing"
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Fishing with a woman
|
Posted:Dec 14, 2006 11:37 am
Last Updated:Dec 14, 2006 12:37 pm
1969 Views
|
Two guys are talking about fishing.
One says to the other, "I am NEVER going to take my wife fishing with me, ever again!"
"That bad, huh?"
"She did everything wrong! She talked too much, made the boat rock constantly, tried to stand up in the boat, baited the hook wrong, used the wrong lures and worst of all she caught more fish than me!" he replied.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Nookie Green
|
Posted:Dec 12, 2006 1:02 pm
Last Updated:Dec 14, 2006 12:39 pm
2115 Views
|
A man goes to confession in the Catholic Church..."Father, it
has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with
Nookie Green every week for the last month".
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven Go out and say three
Hail Mary's."
Soon after, another man enters the confessional.
"Father, it has been two months since my last confession I have
had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood", the sinner replies.
"Very well", sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to
deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman
enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her
as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the
priest! Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald
green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the fetching green
shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?
The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I
think it's just the reflection off her shoes."
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Gauddam Fish!
|
Posted:Dec 10, 2006 10:50 pm
Last Updated:Dec 13, 2006 12:23 am
2064 Views
|
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange-looking fish.
A man was walking by and said, "Wow! What a nice Gauddam Fish!"
The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain."
The man said, "But that's the species of the fish - a Gauddam Fish."
The sister said, "Oh, okay."
The Sister took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught."
Shocked, the Mother Superior said, "Sister, you know better than that."
The nun said, "That's the species of it - a Gauddam Fish."
So, the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it."
While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught."
Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn't talk like that!"
Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it - a Gauddam Fish."
Monsignor said, "Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it."
That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, "Wow, what a nice fish."
In reply, the sister said, "Thank you, I caught the Gauddam Fish."
And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam Fish."
And Monsignor said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish."
The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said, "I like this f***ing place already!"
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Where ya going?
|
Posted:Dec 10, 2006 10:14 pm
Last Updated:Dec 13, 2006 5:00 pm
1969 Views
|
An old man rocking on his porch sees a young and his fishing pole walking down the dirt road. "Where you goin' with that pole?" he calls.
"Gonna git me some fish with this here fishing pole!" answers the .
Sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the going home with a bucket of fish.
Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the walking down the dirt road with some duct tape. "Where you goin' with that?" he calls.
"Gonna git me some ducks with this here tape!" answers the .
"You can't git no ducks with tape!" hollers the old man. But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the going home with the tape strung out behind him and ducks stuck all over it!
Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the walking down the dirt road with some chicken wire.
"Where you going with that?" he calls. "Gonna get me some chickens with this wire!" answers the .
"You can't get no chickens with wire!" hollers the old man.
But sure enough, as the sun is setting the old man sees the going home with the wire strung out behind him and chickens stuck all through it!
Next day, old man rocking on his porch sees the walking down the dirt road with some pussy willows.
"Now hold on just a minute" calls the old man, "wait while I get my hat!!"
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Fishing Rod and Reel
|
Posted:Dec 8, 2006 1:42 pm
Last Updated:Dec 8, 2006 4:39 pm
1983 Views
|
A woman goes into Wal-mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-mart associate standing there with dark glasses on. She asks, "Excuse me sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am I'm blind, but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."
She didn't believe him, but dropped it all on the counter anyway.
He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all around rod and reel, and it's $20."
She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime, the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed, but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was she. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She asks, "But didn't you say it was $20?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20, the duck call is $3, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Hate Shopping?
|
Posted:Dec 5, 2006 9:38 am
Last Updated:Dec 6, 2006 11:58 am
2074 Views
|
Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired, and Mrs. Fenton insists her husband go with her to Walmart, but he gets bored with all the shopping trips. He
prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to the Mrs.
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance
equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.
Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in
Walmart:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO ! NO! It's those voices
again!!!!"
And last, but not least ....
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
Regards,
Walmart
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
THE BOTTLE OF WINE
|
Posted:Dec 5, 2006 9:12 am
Last Updated:Dec 8, 2006 4:39 pm
1975 Views
|
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stoppedthe car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
the car.Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said:
"Good trade....."
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
WOMENS ASS SIZES
|
Posted:Nov 30, 2006 3:41 pm
Last Updated:Dec 8, 2006 4:40 pm
1960 Views
|
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses. I thought the results were pretty interesting:
25% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...
The other 65% say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies
|
Posted:Nov 28, 2006 10:15 am
Last Updated:Nov 29, 2006 11:12 am
2024 Views
|
>Christmas Cookie Recipe
>
>1 cup of butter
>1 cup of sugar
>1 tsp baking soda
>1 tsp salt
>1 cup of brown sugar
>lemon juice
>4 large eggs
>1 cup nuts
>2 cups of dried fruit
>1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila
>
>Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo
>again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and
>drink. Turn on the electric mixer, Beat one cup of butter in a large
>fluffy
>bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar, Beat again. At this point it's best to
>make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup. Just in case. Turn off
>the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup
>of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit off floor. Mix on the turner. If
>the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a
>drewscriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two
>cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo.
>Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon
>of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the
>cake
>tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the
>turner. Finally, throw the bowl through
>the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the
>dishwasher and CHERRY MISTMAS! >
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Girls Night Out
|
Posted:Nov 24, 2006 11:30 am
Last Updated:Nov 25, 2006 4:20 pm
1957 Views
|
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives; however, they had gotten a little over-enthusiastic on the martinis.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they both needed to go to the bathroom. So they stopped in the cemetery. Once of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and didn't want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phone the other husband and said, "These girl's nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst; my wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband. "Mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.' "
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
To link to this blog (Silky99654) use [blog Silky99654] in your messages.
|
|
|
| Sun |
Mon |
Tue |
Wed |
Thu |
Fri |
Sat |
| |
|
|
|
|
1
|
2
|
3
|
4
|
5
|
6
|
7
|
8
|
9
|
10
|
11
|
12
|
13
|
14
|
15
|
16
|
17
|
18
|
19
|
20
|
21
|
22
|
23
|
24
|
251
|
26
|
27
|
28
|
29
|
30
|
31
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
