Why I fired my secretary
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Posted:Feb 20, 2008 7:58 pm
Last Updated:Feb 22, 2008 6:45 am
3941 Views
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WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY
Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'
I thought..
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the ...
They will remember.
My came bou nding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'
I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my ,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
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Joke for the day
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Posted:Feb 20, 2008 7:33 am
Last Updated:May 5, 2008 4:58 pm
3928 Views
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Valentines Day: Flowers $20, dinner $70, Movies $25, drinks $30, hotel $115, the look on his face when you tell him you're on your period? Priceless.
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Cake or Bed!!!!
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Posted:Jul 19, 2008 7:51 am
Last Updated:Apr 30, 2024 2:20 pm
4070 Views
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CAKE OR BED
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
GENERAL ELECTRIC WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.
FINE,
THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON 'T CLOSE RIGHT
TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK
I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON
MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!
SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS..............................
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER , HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS
EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE .
HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?
SHE REPLIED,
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!
>>!
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Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....
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Posted:Jul 19, 2008 7:37 am
Last Updated:Jan 30, 2009 5:26 am
4105 Views
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Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both
brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth
grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'
'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said.
'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said
to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers
down there too!'
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!
She said
'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!
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RRRRUNNNN
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Posted:Jul 19, 2008 7:15 am
Last Updated:Jan 30, 2009 5:27 am
3981 Views
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A Guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before
him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later Huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10
lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck
that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'. Well, he's out the door after her like a shot, this girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.
This is our most rigorous program. Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.' The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck thatreads, 'If I catch you, your ass is mine.'
He lost 63 pounds that week.
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Guilty
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Posted:May 27, 2008 7:56 pm
Last Updated:Jul 30, 2008 7:50 pm
4104 Views
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>>!
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 76 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a not so young man I know as Dale comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me. Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
Yes, and he sure was friendly.
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good! Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 20 years ago.
Defen se Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to touch my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I certainly did not!
Defense Attorney:
Well, why not?
Little Old Lady:
His touching made me feel all alive and excited! I haven't felt that good in years!!
Defense At torney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man! Take me now!'
Defense Attorney:
And did he "take" you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fools!"
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.......
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An Italian Boy's Confession..
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Posted:May 25, 2008 11:28 pm
Last Updated:Apr 30, 2024 2:20 pm
3899 Views
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"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Funachelli?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Maria Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Tommy Funachelli, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself and pray to God for forgiveness."
Tommy walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"4 months vacation and five good leads......." 
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An Italian Boy's Confession..
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Posted:May 25, 2008 11:24 pm
Last Updated:Apr 30, 2024 2:20 pm
3900 Views
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"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Funachelli?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Maria Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Tommy Funachelli, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself and pray to God for forgiveness."
Tommy walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"4 months vacation and five good leads......."
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what would your doctor do?
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Posted:May 25, 2008 11:17 pm
Last Updated:Jul 7, 2008 5:00 pm
4061 Views
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A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my
own funeral.........I'm a gynecologist.'
The proctologist fainted.
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moral of the story
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Posted:May 25, 2008 8:26 pm
Last Updated:Jul 7, 2008 4:59 pm
4107 Views
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Enjoy the 5 MINUTE MANAGEMENT (REFRESHER) COURSE...
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $100 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $1000 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129 It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life .'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
B*** S*** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south! for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who pooops on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of poop is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep poop, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
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Little Fire Girl
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Posted:May 25, 2008 8:12 pm
Last Updated:Jul 25, 2008 8:01 pm
3990 Views
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Little Fire Girl
A fireman was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in middle.
The girl was wearing a fireman's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her and her cat. The fireman walked over to take a closer look. That sure is a nice fire truck,' he said with admiration. 'Thanks,' the girl replied.. The fireman looked a little closer and noticed that the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little Partner,' the fireman said, 'I don't want to tell you how to
run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar, I think you could go faster.' The girl replied thoughtfully,
'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.
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Devious
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Posted:May 5, 2008 5:03 pm
Last Updated:Apr 30, 2024 2:20 pm
3861 Views
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An Italian Boy's Confession..
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Funachelli?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Maria Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Tommy Funachelli, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself and pray to God for forgiveness."
Tommy walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"4 months vacation and five good leads......."  
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sex?? humm!
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Posted:May 3, 2008 5:29 pm
Last Updated:May 3, 2008 5:34 pm
3915 Views
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1) Sex is a three letter word which needs some old-fashioned four letter words to convey its full meaning.
2) Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
3)sow your wild oats on Saturday night-- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
4)Sex is dirty only if it's done right
5) Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
6)It is always the wrong time of the month.
7)Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
 Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
9)There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
10)Sex has no calories
11)No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
12) Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
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