|
|
|
|
|
I'll start by saying, the mind can be engulfed with terrifying and tragic conceptions. Yet, through it all, we find some solace in wanting to know the unknown. Ever since I was nine, I've taken comfort in the fact I didn't know what happened to my mother's family. Still yet, my mind wouldn't let me forget them. Maybe my subconscious, premonition, or GOD. I do not know. I just know last night after all the excitement wore off, I was able to sleep better than I had in years. It seems to me, my mind can open & close doors I didn't know existed. Many times, I've tried to picture my mother in places. (Especially since the birth of my children.) It was ripping and tearing at my conscious trying to open something. It wouldn't do it, though. Now, I find myself with too many images. Even worse, I don't know how to keep them, keep them fresh, to say. I have some trust, however, that whichever images I lose, they weren't a necessity, and they weren't my burden to carry all these years. So, I put them down. I'll see if I can give more as I go along.
|
|
LORD, I APOLOGIZE, and bless the pygmies in New Guinea
|
Posted:Sep 29, 2008 11:43 pm
Last Updated:Jan 12, 2009 8:11 pm
4710 Views
|
Alright, last night I was very open about what happened. I was quite frazzled over the whole thing I didn't think that saying these things would have such an effect on Bard. I would like to say in his defense, He is a marvelous lover who I don't think I could find anywhere else. I feel there is no one else who could take his place. We are going through some stressful times with our business, and I don't think he meant me any harm. So for me to sit here and tell you guys some tidbit of information about our bed-talk is very hurtful. I think I hurt his feelings. I apologize.
I guess I am the man; when I'm admitting wrong to not fight anymore. 
On an up note, I enjoyed my toy. It is quite heavier than my last. The important thing is it still does the job.
Be Happy Everybody,
Babe
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
FINALLY
|
Posted:Sep 28, 2008 8:51 pm
Last Updated:Jan 12, 2009 8:59 pm
4301 Views
|
O.k. I know everyone has been on the edge of their beds wanting to know the latest update of Bard's and I "date" last night. I am just now waking from consciousness. I am happy to inform everyone that Bard had an excellent showing. My orgasm actually made me drunk! I couldn't talk coherently. Many people have said that in our relationship, I have the mannerisms of the guy, and his or of the chick. So, finally, when I want to talk after we do it, he wants to sit there and read. Bad idea. I finally get the guy to touch me sexually, and as soon as he's finished, he wants to read some sci/fantasy book! I was not happy. Then, he makes fun of me because I still hadn't gotten the full use of my mouth. I couldn't get the right words to come out.So, he's sitting there laughing at me. Again, not the best idea in the world.
Last night was bitter-sweet. I, finally, got what I wanted, but at the cost of my man humiliating me.
Hope everybody else's night was just a little better,
Babe
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
ICan't Wait!
|
Posted:Sep 27, 2008 7:15 pm
Last Updated:Sep 30, 2008 6:31 pm
4195 Views
|
I am so ecstatic! Tonight, I get to play with my new toy!! YEA!! You would think I would be happy if Bard was there, but I'm not. He's just an added bonus. lol Hopefully, he won't fall asleep before I get in there. I'll tell what happened tomorrow.
Have Fun, you know I will be,
Babe
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
I Care
|
Posted:Sep 25, 2008 7:20 pm
Last Updated:Sep 28, 2008 8:56 pm
4049 Views
|
I appreciate all of your comments. It's nice to know that my life-story can, maybe, give people some hope. I know I probably have you left you to believe that I'm a pillar of strength. I do have some pretty dark days. I don't think even Bard knows. I try not to let it show. For me, I have learned not to let it show. Someimes, not even talking about it can help. When people say, "Just let it out" I get overwhelmed. And I think the people around me will get overwhlemed as well. To me, that doesn't help, it hinders me from expressing my feelings. So, I think this actually helps. Although, I have yet to see.
I don't know what else to say, but, "Thanks." Thank you all for reading.
If you've got any questions, concerns, or ideas I'm here.
Sincerely,
Babe
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
The Afterword
|
Posted:Sep 23, 2008 10:50 pm
Last Updated:Sep 28, 2008 8:56 pm
5654 Views
|
My trip to mother's family was bitter-sweet. I had family that were drama-queens, and those that were queens at heart. Now I know that's true for both sides of my family. I have come to a place where I can be at peace with my tragic losses. I will never know the reason why my mother felt it necessary to go to my father's apartment that day. I will never understand the reasoning my father had in playing GOD. I DO know, i'm ok with it. The answers to these questions do not change the fact that I have to live my life, that I have to raise, and that I am a woman that deserves to be loved.
I think I have had trouble with that the most: not seeing how deserving I was. Or how to take back my self-worth from my father. No matter what anybody said, I thought he took my mom away because of me. So, I tried to be somebody that nobody would want to hurt, only to love and to protect. Serving others was what I thought was the right thing to do. I had a break down in Cali. before I left. It was mostly because I finally saw I was living a lie. Yes, I like to make people happy, but not at the expense of MY feelings. It was hard for me because I saw I needed to change. Through everthing I've been through, change can shake your whole world. It's the biggest earthquake you'll ever have. Change, in my mind, was never good. But, I knew it had to be done.
So, I returned to my , my step-, and, of course bardicman. I had a new outlook on what I needed from life.
Nothing changed dramatically. It's still taking me a little bit more time to express my emotions, and I have trouble controlling my 'it's either black or while' philosophy. Sometimes, with my step- it becomes hard to conceal.
So, now I look forward to being an example for my and . I have so many wonderful (and some tragic) insights to share with them. I'm excited that, finally, I have a man who is sensitive enough to see I want happines and serenity in my home, above all else.
Throught it all, I am so lucky and so blessed. I wish to you all the same.
Untill next time,
Babe
|
|
|
5
Comments
|
|
Chapter Two
|
Posted:Mar 25, 2007 12:48 am
Last Updated:Jun 19, 2007 12:56 pm
5673 Views
|
Right now I'm on location. I'm 2,000 miles away from my most beloved friend in the world. I went on-line to find my long-lost family. Just trying to reconnect with this family was all I was looking for. When I had the number in view, I froze in amazement at how easy it all had been. I didn't know if I was ready to have the rest of my family or not. When I heard the most fulfilling words I will ever hear-"Yes this is her." I HAD FOUND THEM ALL! The sky was brighter, the angels were finally singing, and my heart felt like it was home. The next thing, I did was board a plane to put some faces to the names I had been given. For the last fifteen years, I had not been feeling like I was welcome anywhere. When I drove up to the house, there was a welcome banner sketched with chalk on the garage door. My family accepted and was determined to never break the connection that was severed. It was wonderful. I am now in the midst of MY people. I didn't know I had any, but I do. It sounds real good to say.
|
|
|
3
Comments
|
|
I Told Him He was Going to Get Hurt
|
Posted:Mar 7, 2007 9:41 pm
Last Updated:May 20, 2024 7:55 pm
5812 Views
|
What bardicman failed to inform you guys is the fact that he went after a mad bitch. He can't stay away from them. (Have heard about his ex-wife?) Wait...Am I telling to much about myself?
Anyway, thought I let the...out of the bag.
Babe
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
Is this the End?
|
Posted:Mar 6, 2007 1:13 pm
Last Updated:Sep 25, 2008 7:13 am
5775 Views
|
Somebody did step in-my father. In 1990, my mother badly beaten decided to file a restraining order on my father. the order stated my father was to stay, at least, 100 yards away from her until 1992. I don't know about you, but that says volumes. She, herself, violated this order, of course. Asking my father to make repairs, even going to my father's apartment. I have been in the same predicament. I have been caught between making a relationship work with a spouse or just staying away. My sister and I had spent the weekend with my mother in her trailer. Both of us remember this place with fond and loving memories. The next day, she took us to school. We kissed her goodbye, not knowing that this was the last time we would ever see her. On March 23, 1992, she went to my father's apartment. Out of the many mistakes one could possibly make, this proved to be the most fatal. No one knows, for sure, what would cause an argument of such heated degree. Nevertheless, I'm sure it went cold to hot in 1.3 seconds. On the same day, my father picked us up from school. When asked about the whereabouts of our mother, he responded by saying, "She went shopping." I don't know how this answer seemed to suffice. But, we never had any reason not to believe our father, so, I guess, we didn't start, either. When we walked into the apartment, everything seemed normal. Nothing was out of place. But then, entering into the bedroom, I spotted something. Our carpet was a deep, dark, chocolate-brown. But, around on the beds was big, bright, orange stain.
"What happened here, Dad?" I ask.
"Oh, I spilled spaghetti. Then I tried to clean it up with some bleach and other stuff, but it left the stain anyway."
Again one of those things we didn't question, just accepted. Then, something else was catching my sister's attention.
"NOOO! Don't ever touch this, EVER!"
My father scolded my sister for sticking her hand out and reaching for a stripped mattress on it's side on the opposite wall. That was all the explanations we received while were there. We were there for during the next week. Everything seemed normal to us; we were going to school. My mother was the only thing missing.
Then, something strange. My sister and I were playing in the living room. My father walks out of the bedroom hauling something over his shoulder.
He yells, "I'm taking this to the dumpster."
We were always moving, and so, we were always throwing things out to lighten the load.
Maybe, we were moving.
The few days after that, my sister and I repeatedly were whining about the stench that seemed to never leave the car. No matter how fast Dad drove, how long we kept the windows down, or turned on the vent and air conditioner, it never left. After school, on Friday, our grandfather shows up. We were told we were going to stay with him for a while. Dad couldn't keep us and would be getting us when his business was done. Up unitl this past Saturday, this was all I had of childhoosd memories.
The first thing that I found Saturday was this article in the Sacramento Bee:
MAN REPORTEDLY SAYS HE KILLED WIFE
SUSPECT FORMALLY CHARGED IN CAPITAL COURT
April 10, 1992
Section: METRO
Page: B4
By Wayne Wilson Bee Staff Writer
--Homer confessed to killing his wife, Marie, shortly after her decomposed body was found in the trunk of her car, according to a document filed Thursday in Sacramento Municipal Court. Homer, 35, admitted to investigators that he bludgeoned his 31-year-old wife with a hammer and strangled her with a shoelace after an argument that turned into a physical confrontation at his apartment March 23.
The statement is contained in a probable-cause declaration filed by sheriff's Detective Kay Maulsby for Long's arraignment Thursday before Municipal Court Judge Renard F. Shepard.
Homer was formally charged with murder, informed the judge he didn't have enough money to hire a lawyer, and smiled as his court-appointed attorney, Linda Parisi, asked for a continuance to April 23.
Investigators have pieced together the following scenario:
Marie drove her to school on Monday, March 23, but their father picked them up and brought them home after engaging in a fatal fight with his wife at the apartment he had rented on Marconi Avenue.
The didn't know it, but their mother's body had been concealed and wrapped in the stuffing, foam and fabric of a bedroom mattress.
It remained there until Friday, March 27, when Homer took his to his parents' home in Merced where he told his father that he'd killed Marie, disposed of her body and intended to turn himself in.
Two days later, after hearing no more about his 's predicament, the father called the Sacramento Police Department, which alerted the Sheriff's Department, and a search was initiated for Long and his wife's car.
The car, Marie's body in its trunk, was found Tuesday April 7, and Homer was arrested at a nearby Folsom Boulevard motel.
(I edited the names of my parents for my personal protection.)
The newspaper article confirmed the nightmare that has been my life.But, it's not the end. It's the second thing I found that begins my life anew.
|
|
|
6
Comments
|
|
A Continuation
|
Posted:Mar 5, 2007 8:15 pm
Last Updated:Sep 25, 2008 7:09 am
5616 Views
|
So, after three days of dating and massive persuasion by family member, (who were seeking their own fulfillment), they wed. This is where I would put the date, but this is also one of those unknowns. Another thing I don't know is, where they went to dinner, and other such rituals of newlyweds. I was born two years later. I have been told I was a delight and made my parents so happy. For whatever reason, it didn't last long. My sister was born two and a half years later. I don't know if the responsibilities of two were overwhelming, but their so called, "fulfilling" life began to take it's toll, I'm sure. So, it was natural they started to party with people who had contentment of their own. My father started to drinking. Now, let me say, that I don't think this was the beginning. It was just the start of his downward sprial into his lack of accountability. My mother drank as well, but I have no recollection of her ever doing so. I remember her pill bottles, and her endless trips to doctors or therapists, (dispute if you would like.) So, between my father's drinking and my mother's use of drugs, endless memories flood my mind of arguements, slappings, beatings, and police getting called to our apartment or house, whichever was the case. Without someone stepping in, things were going to get ugly.
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
What's a Beginning? (A Continuation of the Blog Intro)
|
Posted:Mar 4, 2007 11:02 pm
Last Updated:Mar 6, 2007 10:53 am
5874 Views
|
Some of you may be asking, "Why has it taken so long?" or "Why didn't anyone keep in touch with anybody?" Well, it all started with Adam and Eve...no not that far, I guess. My father's parents had raised him with very rigorous religious beliefs. He chose not to succumb to these very strict and regulated customs. So, he set off to find a life that would give him more fulfillment than he could possibly imagine. Here, I must stop and tell you-I don't know if this "fulfillment" even exists, or even if he found it. I have often wondered, if someone had come to him and advised him he was fixing to make every decision based on this "fulfillment", would he have stopped looking? It's one of those unknown questions I was talking about. My mother, on the other hand, had not been raised in a religious environment, or raised by her parents at all. Her parents died (at different times) which left her welfare to the State of California. No security. No home. I guess, she found comfort in the fact that my father knew what he wanted out of life, while, she, on the other hand, just wanted a life.
|
|
|
10
Comments
|
|
To link to this blog (rm_BaRDSBABE) use [blog rm_BaRDSBABE] in your messages.
|
|
|
| Sun |
Mon |
Tue |
Wed |
Thu |
Fri |
Sat |
| |
1
|
2
|
3
|
4
|
5
|
6
|
7
|
8
|
9
|
10
|
11
|
12
|
13
|
14
|
15
|
16
|
17
|
18
|
19
|
20
|
21
|
22
|
231
|
24
|
251
|
26
|
271
|
|
281
|
291
|
30
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
