how was your christmas?
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Posted:Dec 25, 2009 7:40 pm
Last Updated:Apr 25, 2024 7:27 pm
5755 Views
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i hope everyone had a good christmas, but if you didn't, just keep in mind it could have been worse, as these stats prove:
3 people die each year testing it a 9v battery works on their tougne.
142 people were injured in 1998 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 people are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 people have died since 1996 by watering their christmas tree while the lights were pluged in.
19 people have died in the last 3 years beliving that christmas decorations were chocolate.
101 people since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
18 people had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
a massive 543 people visited an emerency room in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 people were injured last year in accidents involving out of control radio controled cars.
and finally:
8 people cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep while throwing up into the toilet.
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a bit of christmas science
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Posted:Dec 25, 2009 10:12 am
Last Updated:Dec 25, 2009 7:42 pm
5847 Views
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there are approximately two billion (persons under 1 in the world. however, since santa does not visit of the muslim, hindu, jewish, or buddist (except maybe in japan) religions, this reduces the workload for christmas night to 15% of the total (or 378 million according to the population reference bureau). at an average (census) rate of 3.5 per household, that comes to 108 million homes, persuming there is at least one good in each.
santa has about 31 hours of christmas to work with, thanks to the diffrent time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to west (witch seems logical).
this works out to 967.7 visits per second. this is to say that for each christan household with a good , santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for hin, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get onto the next house.
assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (witch, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the porposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles,not counting bathroom stops or breaks.
this means santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second - 3000 times the speed of sound. for porposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
the payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. assuming that each gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting santa himself. on land a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. even granting that the "flying" reindeer can pull 10 that normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them - santa would need 360,000 of them. this increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the queen elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. the lead pair of reindeer would adsorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. in short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. the entire reindeer team would be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time santa reached the fifth house on his trip.
not that it matters, however, since santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleation forces of 17,000 g's. a 250-pound santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
therefore, even if santa did exist, he's dead now.
unless, of course he's magic.
merry christmas
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t'was the night before christmas
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Posted:Dec 23, 2009 7:51 pm
Last Updated:Dec 23, 2009 7:52 pm
5689 Views
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t'was the night before chrismas and all though the house,
the whole damn family was drunk as a louse.
mom was in prision, dad was in jail,
sis on the corner yelling "pussy for sale!"
out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
i jumped off my girlfriend to see was the matter.
away to the window i flew like a flash,
slipped on a brick and busted my ass.
what beyond my bloody eyes should appear,
but a little fat bastard with eight tiny reindeer.
he flew down the chimney like a bat out of hell,
i knew at the moment that the bastard had fell.
he started stuffing the stockings with rubbers and beer,
and a big fat dick for the family queer.
i heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight,
"piss on you all, it's been a hell of a night!"
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the christmas angel
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Posted:Dec 17, 2009 6:49 pm
Last Updated:Dec 18, 2009 9:12 pm
6007 Views
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one particular christmas a long time ago, santa was getting ready for the annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. four of the elves sick, and the trainee elves did not produce toys fast enough to meet demands. santa was beginning to feel stressed. mrs. claus told him that her mother was coming for the holidays, and this stressed poor santa even more. when he went to harness his reindeer, he found that 2 of them were about to give birth and 3 others were nowhere to be found. more stress. then, while he was loading the sleigh, a floor board cracked under his weight and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
frustrated, santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky, only to find that the sick elves' hot toddieshad emptied the drinks cabinet. in his frustration, he dropped the coffie pot and it broke into hundreds of tiny pieces. he went to the broom closet and found that the mice had eaten the straw from the broom.
just then the doorbell rang and santa cussed on his way to the door. it was an angel with a tall beatiful evergreen. the angel said cheerfully, "merry christmas santa! isn't it a wonderful day? i've brought you a lovely christmas tree to celebrate with. where would you like me to stick it?"
thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the christmas tree.
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visiting santa
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Posted:Dec 3, 2009 7:51 pm
Last Updated:Dec 7, 2009 3:07 pm
5809 Views
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a young girl goes to visit santa at a local wal-mart...
santa asks the girl "what would you like for christmas"?
she replies "i wnat a barbie and a g.i. joe".
santa replies "barbie doesn't come with g.i. joe, she comes with ken".
and the girl replies "no! barbie comes with g.i. joe! she only fakes it with ken!"
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you know you're a redneck jedi when...
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Posted:Jul 19, 2009 4:33 pm
Last Updated:Apr 25, 2024 7:27 pm
5456 Views
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you hear "luke i am your father...and your uncle..."
you ever said the phrase, "may the force be with y'all"
your jedi robe is camouflage
you have ever used a light saber to open a bud light
at least one wing of your x-wings is primer colored
you can easily describe the taste of ewok
you have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard
the worst part of spending time on dagobah is the dadgum skeeters
wookies are offended by your b.o.
you have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial
you have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling
you have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up
you have a confedederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder
you ever fantasized about princss leia wearing daisy duke shorts
you have the doors of your x-wing welded shut and you have to get in though the window
you have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to chewbacca
you suggested that they outfit the millennium falcon with redwood deck
you were the only person person drinking jack daniels during the cantina scene
your father has ever said to you, "shoot, come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
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upgrade to Wife 1.0
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Posted:May 7, 2009 5:32 pm
Last Updated:May 9, 2009 2:21 pm
5475 Views
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Last year, I upgraded my Girlfriend 5.0 to Girlfriend 5.1, which installs itself as Fiancee 1.0. Recenty, I upgraded Fiancee 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a real memory hog. It has taken up all my space, and Wife 1.0 must be running before i can do ANYTHING.
It is also spawning Processes that are further consuming system resorces. Some applications, such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all.
Additional plug-ins were automatically installed, such as Mother-In-Law 55.8, and there is no uninstall feature for these plug-ins. No mention of these behaviors was discussed in the brochures or documentation, although other users have reported similar problems.
Because of this, some users that i know have decided to avoid the headaces associated with these upgrades, and simply move from Girlfriend 5.0 to Girlfriend 6.0. Unfortunately, this is not without its perils either,as all traces of Girlfriend 5.0 must be removed from the system before attempting installation of 6.0.
Even then, Girlfriend 6.0 will repeatedly run system checks (usually in the background, and often late at night when the system is asleep) to find evidence of previous versons. To cap it off, Girlfriend 6.0 apparently has a nag feature reminding about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.
However, i do like some of the features that you are planning to include in the upcoming Girlfriend 6.1 release:
1. The "Don't remind me again" button
2. A Minimize button
3. The Shutdown feature
4. An install shield feature so that Girlfriend can be completely uninstalled if necessary (so you don't lose cash or other objects)
Unfortunately, since i've allready upgraded to Wife 1.0, I don't think I will be able to take advantage of any of these new features, unless you decide to include them in the next Mistress release. But, of course, there is a whole raft of problems associated with the use of Mistress 1.0 and Wife 1.0 on the same system- most notably are system conflicts and continual disk thrashing, which starts shortly after Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 1.0.
Interestingly enough, all versions of PersonalLawyer still work fine. Finally, Wife 1.0 apparently deletes all MSMoney files before uninstalling itself; following that, Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claming insufficient resources.
I personally find all these new tools and conflicts to be too confusing and time consuming. I'm sticking with 1.0v3. It slobbers and chews up the paper, but all in all these bugs are tolerable. It is simple to operate and we get along fine.
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yet another joke
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Posted:Mar 21, 2009 4:31 pm
Last Updated:Apr 25, 2024 7:27 pm
5480 Views
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mickey mouse met with his lawyer one day. the lawyer told mickey "i looked really hard into this, but i've found no evidence that minnie is crazy in any way." to witch mickey replied "i never said she was crazy, i said she was fucking goofy!"
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somthing to laugh at lol
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Posted:Mar 17, 2009 6:22 pm
Last Updated:Mar 17, 2009 6:25 pm
5487 Views
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had nothing else to say today so here's a joke for you in cyberland :
one day a man was walking near the shore, and he came apon a lady in a wheelchair sittig on the peier, who was crying. the man asked her what was wrong, and she told him that she had never been hugged. feeling sorry for her he hugged her, and she was then smiling. the next day the man came apon the same peier and the same woman in the wheelchair was there crying again. he asked what was wrong, and she said that she had never been kissed. again feeling sorry for her he kissed her a couple of times, and she was happy again. the next day he walked the same shore and again the woman in the wheelchair was crying on the peier. he asked what was wrong and she said she had never been fucked. the man then placed his hands on the wheelchair, and pushed her in the lake, then said "now you're fucked"
p.s. no ofenese to anybody in a wheelchair 
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another blog newbie
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Posted:Mar 8, 2009 5:25 pm
Last Updated:Apr 25, 2024 7:27 pm
5445 Views
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guess i gotta write something to get this blog going lol. not much going on with me at this time. but i am looking for new experences hope everybody has a nice day.
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To link to this blog (sweetyguy32000) use [blog sweetyguy32000] in your messages.
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