Memorial Day
|
Posted:May 25, 2009 5:10 pm
Last Updated:May 3, 2024 4:51 am
10892 Views
|
I just want to thank all those that are serving or have served to protect our great nation. Thank You!!
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Andy Rooney about women over 40
|
Posted:Mar 30, 2009 11:11 am
Last Updated:May 25, 2009 5:04 pm
10830 Views
|
As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.
Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
An old man and woman....
|
Posted:Feb 25, 2009 2:19 pm
Last Updated:May 3, 2024 4:51 am
10549 Views
|
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life".
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life"?
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down."
Women...they think of everything!
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
3 Naughty Grandmas
|
Posted:Aug 30, 2008 9:22 am
Last Updated:Jan 18, 2009 8:24 pm
10929 Views
|
3 naughty grandmas were sitting on a bench outside of the nursing home when a grandpa walked by.
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."
The old man said, "There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."
One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked,"How in the world did you guess?"
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison - - "We were at your birthday party yesterday!"
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
A visit to the strip club.....
|
Posted:Aug 21, 2008 12:13 am
Last Updated:May 3, 2024 4:51 am
10811 Views
|
Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.
One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us,my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.
What could I do?
The woman in me took over!
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt,grabbed the eighty bucks,and left!!!
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Never Lie to Mom!
|
Posted:May 1, 2008 9:13 am
Last Updated:May 3, 2024 4:51 am
10856 Views
|
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?'
Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
______________________________________________________________________
Dear Mom,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house,I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
_______________________
_______________________________________________
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
___________________________________________________
___________________
Dear ,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Top 20 Reasons Fishing is better then Sex!!
|
Posted:Mar 8, 2008 3:11 pm
Last Updated:Jan 4, 2009 12:21 am
10947 Views
|
#20 -**** No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.
#19 -**** A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.
#18 -**** You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.
#17 -**** It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.
#16 -**** The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.
#15 -**** If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you
become famous.
#14 -**** Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you Fished with long ago.
#13 -**** It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.
#12 -**** When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.
#11 -**** If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.
#10 -**** Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.
#9 -**** When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
#8 -**** You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.
#7 -**** You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for harassment.
#6 -**** There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.
#5 -**** If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.
#4 -**** Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.
#3 -**** Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.
#2 -**** You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.
#1 -**** Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Ethel......
|
Posted:Mar 8, 2008 12:15 pm
Last Updated:Mar 8, 2008 3:08 pm
11426 Views
|
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of the males actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
”OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "Carry on Ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable erection in his hand.
"Oh God" said Ethel. "Not the Breathalyzer again!"
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Two Hillbillies.....
|
Posted:Sep 24, 2007 10:01 am
Last Updated:Jan 4, 2009 12:22 am
11028 Views
|
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
After ordering their cornbread and beans they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard
business.
Suddenly a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich begins to cough. After a minute or so
it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and
says, "Kin ya swaller?'
The woman shakes her head. "Kin ya breathe?" She shakes her head. The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head NO.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and
quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and expels the obstruction which flies out
of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks back to his seat. His partner says " Ya
know, I'd heered 'bout that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seed nobody do it."
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
"Bear Removers"
|
Posted:Sep 21, 2007 11:04 am
Last Updated:Sep 24, 2007 9:57 am
11033 Views
|
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the Bear Remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The Bear Remover arrives, and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock
the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained
to grab his testicles and not let go.
The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van,
and then I can take him back to the woods and set him free."
He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog"
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Cowboy and Indian......
|
Posted:Aug 29, 2007 12:41 am
Last Updated:Sep 21, 2007 11:05 am
11153 Views
|
A Cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Black Hills .
Cowboy: "Nice you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Indian: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (pointing at the Indian.)
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: (Look of total disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your ?"
Indian: " no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey , how's it going?"
: "Cool."
Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing to the Indian.)
: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"
: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."
Indian: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep lie."
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Eve's Side Of The Story
|
Posted:Aug 9, 2007 8:18 am
Last Updated:May 3, 2024 4:51 am
10947 Views
|
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.
It's these breasts you have given me . The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain," reported Eve.
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc..........she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced."
"That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight.. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see...........where did I put the useless boob?"
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that story about the rib
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
The Parrot.....
|
Posted:Jul 31, 2007 8:12 am
Last Updated:Aug 29, 2007 12:41 am
11234 Views
|
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent
thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he
sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I
should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
To link to this blog (Silky99654) use [blog Silky99654] in your messages.
|
|
|
| Sun |
Mon |
Tue |
Wed |
Thu |
Fri |
Sat |
| |
|
|
|
|
1
|
2
|
3
|
4
|
5
|
6
|
7
|
8
|
9
|
10
|
11
|
12
|
13
|
14
|
15
|
16
|
17
|
18
|
19
|
20
|
21
|
22
|
23
|
24
|
251
|
26
|
27
|
28
|
29
|
30
|
31
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
